Arrested Development

Tyrie got arrested for pissing in front of this door.
Let me end your suspense right now: Tyrie does get arrested in Episode 20. But it's not for false imprisonment or battery or anything else you might assume, given his manhandling of his girlfriend Jazalle last week. No, it's for something much sillier.

The cameras shut off last week as Tyrie was shouting at his girlfriend and preventing her from leaving the bathroom. Jenn manages to get the door open and pulls a weeping Jazalle out of the stall. "All she needs to do is shut up and listen," Tyrie protests drunkenly.

Jazalle, sniffling and sobbing, is explaining to Jenn how she tried to leave the bathroom and Tyrie prevented her. "Being yelled at and screamed at that way can emotionally damage somebody," Jenn says. Not exactly profound, but she's right -- I wouldn't have handled a screaming Tyrie in my face any better.

"I need you to listen, and don't say nothing," Tyrie tries to explain. Hawk-eyed Stephen, meanwhile, has noticed that there are several of Denver's finest lingering outside the house (I wonder if the producers called them -- I mean, they do have some responsibility to make certain no one gets assaulted on their watch.).

Tyrie and Jazalle are outside on the deck, trying to work through what just happened. "I made a mistake with Ashley, I've never repeated it," Tyrie says. "I can't express that to you if you're going to sit there and yell at me the whole time."

I really hope Tyrie is watching this right now. He needs to rethink his definition of "yell" -- because now, it's only yelling if someone else is telling him something he doesn't want to hear.

"You grabbed my arm in there when I said I wanted to go and pulled me back inside," Jazalle informs him. Good for her.

"Do you want to break up with me or not," Ty demands. He walks out into the street; Stephen follows him and tries to bring him back. Tyrie is being belligerantly drunk and refusing. "I just want you to know one thing," Stephen says, trying to keep his voice level. "I've just been talking to Denver PD about Jazalle and her appearance. They're concerned. Right now there are people looking at you, and they're waiting to go. You don't want a domestic violence charge."

Tyrie is outraged. "I won't hit no woman!" he declares. Uh-huh, I totally buy that one -- clearly he is a man capable of controlling his temper and not acting out in a rage.

Anyway. Ty walks back to the house, stops, and takes a piss in the street. A cop walks up to him and handcuffs him. He can't believe they're serious. "You just urinated in the street," the cop tells him. "You're under arrest."

They put him in the back of the squad car and prepare to haul his ass to detox.

"Everything that's happening, he's bringing upon himself," Stephen notes sagely. Jazalle and Tyrie have an inebriated conversation through the car window. Tyrie is very unhappy. He's never been to jail in his life.

First time for everything, I suppose.

Tyrie is taken away and everyone gathers in the house, trying to figure out what to do. Jenn reassures them that it will be fine. He'll be in there for fifteen hours, get some food -- cornflakes and milk, she specifies -- and when he's sober, they'll let him out.

"I've sat in the drunk tank," Jenn confides. "It sucks, but when you get so drunk and you act stupid, that's what happens. That's the only way you're gonna learn."

What?! Did Jenn learn something along the lines of not getting so drunk and acting stupid?! I must have missed it.

The next day, they start making phone calls, looking for Tyrie. He's been released from detox; he's with Jazalle.

"That's some Whitney Houston shit," Stephen declares, after recapping the events of the evening and noting the fact that Jazalle was the one who picked Tyrie up. Couldn't have said it better myself.

"Who just starts peeing in front of the house?" Alex says. "That's what I want to know." You and the rest of America, buddy.

In the car, Tyrie is desolate. "The world thinks I'm a fuckin' woman beater now," he sobs. He's really, really upset -- I never thought I would see Tyrie break down like this. Well, maybe he'll think twice before restraining a woman who'd rather not be in his presence next time.

Stephen is trying to be reassuring. "People get arrested all the time, dude. It's really not that bad." True. But Tyrie is inconsolable -- rain is falling in puddles and violins are playing for him. Could you cheer up with that kind of background atmosphere? He says he doesn't want to be in Denver anymore and he doesn't want to tell his family.

Tyrie's dad says what you'd expect a dad to say. "That's interesting. Well, I imagine that's a situation that you probably don't want to repeat, and of course you realize that's going to go with you the rest of your life. Potential governor, potential congressman. Might be a tough question to answer in ten or fifteen years."

Yeah, it might be, but a certain someone in the White House made it there with a questionable military record and the remnants of a coke binge still on his nose. I think Tyrie will do just fine.

Off the phone with his dad, Tyrie says this has been the absolute worst twelve hours of his life. "It could get worse," Stephen points out.

"I'm not drinking ..." Tyrie begins, and catches himself. "Well, yes I am, but I'm not drinking that much." Uh-huh.

Jenn gets on the phone with Jared and has a fight. Her argument is interspersed with a lunchtime conversation between Darnell, Stephen and Alex. Darnell wants to know what's up with Jenn and everyone asks Alex for his thoughts. "Why do I have to have thoughts?" Alex wonders. Um, cause you're the one who porked her, big boy.

Jenn and Jared are having the typical, you-don't-care-about-me, no-you-don't-care-about-me breakup fight. Hangups and crying ensue. That night at evolution, Jenn and Darnell are tangling tongues.

Then Darnell approaches Alex. "Am I, like, imposing or something?" he wants to know. Alex laughs, says he's not jealous and tells Darnell to have fun.

Oh, he will. Back at the house, he becomes the second person to enjoy Jenn's charms this season. She's way ahead on the slut-o-meter (although Colie's got her beat on the I'm-pathetic-and-need-a-man-o-meter).

"I have this attraction for him," Jenn burbles in the confessional. Nope, that's the Bacardi 151 you're feeling, Jenn. And Stephen's making it clear that he doesn't want them to get serious.

At Rock Bottom, Tyrie and Jazalle are still trying to straighten things out. She says she wants him to be more compassionate about the fact that she's sensitive around Ashley. "It was her fault we got into the whole argument," Tyrie reflects, "because she was jealous." Oh, no he didn't! Because the way he was acting did nothing to contribute to hear jealousy. At least he admits that he "never should have allowed myself to get that angry." No shit.

They agree that they don't ever want anything like that to happen again. The cynic in me thinks that's really too bad -- I mean, she's already allowed him to treat her disrespectfully and use force against her. She's not giving him any incentive to change, so why would he?

Jenn and Tyrie talk, and she tells Tyrie that Jazalle is awfully sensitive and emotional. "If I fuck up, I'm not gonna blame it on nobody else," Tyrie declares.

Wait ... didn't I just hear him say that entire argument was Jazalle's fault? Is he living in a parallel universe where it's opposite day?

Tyrie begins to pontificate on Life. He says he's done more in the past eight weeks to make him ashamed of himself than ever before in his life (Has it really only been two months?!?!). He says he doesn't have a reason to stay in Denver. He thinks he might be harming himself more by staying than if he left.

Jenn calls his bluff. She tells him if he can find an experience back home that's going to open his mind and give him memories more than if he stayed in Denver, then he should leave. You know, Jenn might be a drunken slut, but she can actually be pretty profund on the few and far between occasions when she's not entirely plastered out of her skull.

Eight more episodes to go, boys and girls. Thailand. Fifteen-year-old kids and camping in the mountains. And given how little these roommates have worked, I really can't wait to see how they're gonna handle children in the wilderness. -- Amber Taufen