Ghetto Handbook, August 31

Here's a brief look at some of the items America is desperate to learn about today:

Dana Perino Dana Perino, raised and educated here in Colorado, is taking over as White House spokeswoman in the wake of Tony Snow’s resignation. Congratulations, Dana, and hopefully all that spinning won’t make you too dizzy!

Ghetto Handbook A police officer in Houston was suspended for distributing a handout called Ghetto Handbook: Wucha Dun Did Now? that purported to teach readers to understand Ebonics. What he did done was probably get his ass fired for being a racist prick.

WWE wrestlers suspended Ten WWE wrestlers were suspended for steroid use. Wait, when did they update the policy? I thought you could only get kicked out of the WWE for not using steroids.

Selvin Young Everyone loves an underdog, and Selvin Young is the underdog of the day, after an impressive performance in his two preseason appearances launched him to No. 2 on the Broncos running back depth chart. Way to go Selvin, but watch out. In the future, everyone will start at running back for the Denver Broncos for fifteen minutes.

What is Labor Day With Labor Day around the corner, everyone wants to know why they’re getting the day off work. I’ll give you two answers: officially, to celebrate the achievements of American labor. Now the real answer: Who cares? It’s a day off from work. – Cory Casciato