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The secret, Illuminated life of Lady Gaga

So, you think Lady Gaga is a vapid, no-talent fad? Wrong. You think she's an entertaining, fun pop star? Wrong. You think she's a strange, high-concept performance art project meant to manipulate our expectations of what a star is? Getting close but still wrong. Newly revealed, top-secret and utterly batshit insane information reveals her for what she really is: an Illuminati plot to make being mind-controlled seem cool to the kids.

That's right. Our secret Illuminated masters created Lady Gaga to make being a mindless puppet seem cool (because apparently, Miley Cyrus wasn't getting the job done outside of the all-important tween category?). And we have Vigilant Citizen to thank for this insightful analysis. According to VC, "Her vacuous, robotic and slightly degenerate persona embodies all the 'symptoms' of a mind control victim." Highlights follow inside ... if you dare to learn ... the Truth!

Let's start with her name:

"Gaga" is probably the easiest word to say in the English language, as it is often the first sound emitted by babies trying to imitate speech. So her name basically says: I'm a lady and I'm empty-headed. This empty head can filled with any crap you want. Imitate me young people. This state of mind is achieved after successful mind control.

Makes perfect sense. How could we have failed to see this on our own? What about her logo? Surely that must be some sort of hidden, mind-controlly goodness, right? What can you tell us about that, VC?

Her logo is pretty revealing and particularly fitting. Its a headless female body with a bolt of lightning going through her and exiting her genitalia. There is once again a focus on the lack of conscious thought by the singer. The body looks like the weird headless mannequins you find at clothing stores. The bolt of lightning implies that her thoughtless body has been "charged" with a force that gives it life (interesting note: trauma-based mind control is often induced using electro-shock treatments).

Wow! Well, at least she doesn't use any all-seeing eye symbolism. That would just be too weird...

You only need to look at a couple of Lady Gaga pictures or videos to notice that she is constantly hiding one of her eyes. Most people will simply interpret this as "a cool thing to do" or a "fashion statement". Those who have passed the 101 of Illuminati symbolism know that the All-Seeing Eye is probably its most recognizable symbol.

Noooo! But wait, maybe you just have an axe to grind with Gaga? How can we know that you, Vigilant Citizen, have our best interests at heart?

Some people read my articles and think I'm saying "Lady Gaga wants to control our minds". That is not the case. She is simply a small part of the huge system that is the mass media.

Phew, thanks for clearing that up! And thanks for teaching us that the secret masters who rule everything from behind the scenes are in the business of manufacturing pop stars to cement their control of world affairs. That totally explains the success of American Idol.

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Cory Casciato is a Denver-based writer with a passion for the geeky, from old science fiction movies to brand-new video games.
Contact: Cory Casciato