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When Rock 'n' Roll meets Hollywood: Ten Awful Decisions

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6. David Hasselhoff in general. Really the whole career looks like a joke at this point, but he gets special notice here for the incredible cheesiness of his music. Exhibit A: Get In My Car, where the Hoff manages to mix the creepy side of "Baby It's Cold Outside" with American Graffiti. The green screen stuff would be a lot funnier if he weren't so cheeky about the whole thing. That's actually why he's so far down the list: He's clearly self-effacing, and it's so much less fun to laugh with someone than at him. Oh well, still a noble effort of suckitude.

5. The Apple It's supposed to be an exaggerated commentary on the music industry, with hippies on one side and big labels on the other and a ridiculously heavy-handed religious allegory in between. But bad things happen when you set a musical in a future where rock and roll has become some sort of political system, and the result is what you see below. Extra points for the shiny gold man-thong/diaper and this lyric: "It's a natural, natural, natural desire/Meet an actual, actual, actual vampire," which may be the clumsiest stanza I've ever heard.

4. Britney Spears in Crossroads It came out 2002, but this one's got all the worst parts of the '90s written all over it in big fake-pink marker. This trailer actively makes me cringe once every fifteen seconds or so, the worst moment coming in the form of a roadside tantrum thrown by stubbly man toy because Brit and her doll friends are leaking estrogen all over his convertible. I think this is supposed to be a the sort of joke where dudes in the audience look knowingly at their bros and with an expression that says, "Been there, man." Their girlfriends, meanwhile, are probably all passed out from giggling. I don't care if this was back when Britney was actually fuckable, a few seconds of lingerie does not absolve an hour and a half of cardboard bullshit.

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Kiernan Maletsky is Westword's music editor. His writing has appeared in alt-weeklies around the country as well as Miley Cyrus's mom's Twitter feed.
Contact: Kiernan Maletsky