Anything But Melo

Pick up any paper, check any website, talk to anyone at a sports bar, and you'll find yourself inundated with opinions about Carmelo Anthony. He's nothing but a thug. He's misunderstood. You can take the NBA player out of the street but you can't take the street out of the NBA player. I heard he's made with real caramel. They are all valid points. But please allow me to add this little theory to the mix: Melo is a behind-the-scenes puppeteer genius who just got the Denver Nuggets Allen Iverson.

Okay, it's a bit far-fetched, and in the heat of the moment against the Knicks last Saturday, when Melo decided he would open-palm bitch-slap Mardy Collins in the jaw, then backpedal across the court, the odds that Melo was thinking about A.I. are about as slim as Nene hitting a three-pointer. But look at what happened: Melo, the league's leading scorer, got suspended for 15 games, J.R. Smith — the Nuggets second highest scorer behind Melo — got benched for ten, and all of a sudden the potentially playoff bound Nuggets are more full of holes than a Baltimore housing project.

All right, all right, all right: The Nuggets higher-ups were forced to conclude, "Now that we don't have any offense, maybe we should hurry up and shit or get off the pot on this whole Iverson thing." The Nuggets shat, Iverson is coming to Denver, and on January 20, when Melo returns to the court, the two will reign supreme as the thug princes of the NBA all the way to at least the second round of the playoffs. You heard it hear first. Naysaying local sports columnists be damned, Iverson and Melo is a combo that will work. Better know dat!

Say what you will about that Carmelo Anthony, but on or off the court, the man gets results. -- Adam Cayton-Holland

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