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Breast Friend

Lately, I've been sending articles having to do with babies to my friend and fellow Westword writer, whose wife is due to give birth in the spring. I last forwarded him this Neal Pollack story about circumcision, knowing that it would add yet another layer of anxiety to his early fatherhood experience. That's what friends are for, right?

But after I stumbled across this video about male breastfeeding, I felt this was something that must be shared with everyone. Apparently, after only a couple weeks on a breast pump, men can produce milk from their mammary glands. I didn't even knew we had mammary glands. It's like owning a car for twenty years and suddenly finding a six-disc changer installed in the trunk!

According to the Australian television program linked above, men's milk is reportedly very protein rich, even more so than women's. Hmmm, very informative. Logistics may be a little more difficult, however.

"Now suckling is definitely more effective for men who have large nipples," Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki informs. "And, of course, the less hair the better."

Get fat and shave the chest -- check and double check. The more I think about the concept, the more I like it. The male nipple will no longer be looked upon as useless button of hairy flesh, but a feeder of humanity -- a well-spring of life!

So I say, dudes, why not give up some milk to your lil' squirts? It's the fatherly thing to do. Just don't do it anywhere near my desk. -- Jared Jacang Maher

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts