Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: What do you think about going back to Europe?

Dear Mexican: I have some questions and observations. During George W. Bush's administration, there was a lot of talk about comprehensive immigration reform (amnesty, to some). One remark that I recall was made by a Mexican and was something like, "Go back to Europe!" Aren't Mexicans of European descent, also? Hello, colonized by Spain. I thought to myself, "Why don't you go back to Europe? Unless you are puro indio, your roots are in Europe, too." Immigration reform aside, what are your thoughts on going back to Europe?
Murrieta Maven

Dear Gabacha: Eh — we say that just to show how stupid gabachos yelling "Go back to Mexico!" sounds. The only Mexicans who truly believe that gabachos should head back to Europe are indigenazi types who claim they're the pureblooded fifteenth linear descendant of Cuauhtémoc...while sporting facial hair straight from Extremadura.

Dear Mexican: Do Indians mangle Spanish as badly as they do English on a tech support line? What I like about Mexicans is, they're honest with you. If they don't understand what you just said, they ask you to say it again. And if you don't understand a Mexican who is nobly attempting to learn that universal second language that is English, they try to say it again. And Mexicans are grateful when you have helped them understand English a little bit better so they can communicate with you, without demanding that you learn Spanish in return. Even in Mexico, Mexicans don't mind if you don't understand Spanish; they always take care that everybody can communicate with each other, even if it means they speak English to a tourist whose Spanish vocabulary is limited to the Taco Bell menu. Unlike Indian tech support, who seem to want to punish you for not understanding as they attempt to read English sentences that they have no interest in trying to understand from a piece of paper. If they don't get it right on the first try, then you should immediately hang up and call back hoping for somebody who can understand English. I have paid cancellation fees and returned electronics items purely because of tech support that seems only interested in a sort of passive-aggressive jihad.

So back to my question: How does a Mexican deal with Indian tech support? Do you have some wisdom on how to navigate non-native speakers without having a stroke, He Who Always Knows to Press Eight for Spanish?
An American Consumer

Dear Gabacho: We press "2".

Dear Mexican: What do you think about just opening the U.S.-Mexico border (and for that matter, all the borders in the world)? I think that a lot of people that enter the U.S. illegally would much rather work here for a few months and then go back to their home in Mexico and live off of the earnings for a while. You're a smart guy. I'm just curious what you think!
Bordering on a Bonus

Dear Gabacho: The Mexican has always been for open borders, if only because that's been the American mantra since the days of Daniel Boone.

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