Denver Police Department's Most Recent Stupid Criminal Stories

The Denver Police Department loves stupid criminal stories, and so do we.

That explains why we've featured the DPD's tales of moronic ne'er-do-wells on two previous occasions — our original post in January and a sequel in June.

The latest posts, as shared on the department's Facebook page, include stories about a car crash that led to an unwanted haircut, hungry burglars, the world's most inept laptop thief, a zombie who probably wound up wishing he was dead and a scofflaw trapped inside the very truck he tried to rob.

Enjoy the photo-illustrated stupidity below.

SUSPECT RUNS... INTO A TREE, GETS A HAIRCUT

Early Saturday morning, July 25, 2015, Denver Police District 1 Officer Gibbs reported that a vehicle failed to yield when he attempted to pull it over in the 4300 block of N. Federal Boulevard for a minor traffic infraction. Just seconds later, the suspect vehicle lost control , struck a tree, rolled over and landed on its roof. The officer saw the suspect driver trying to get out, but she could not. The Denver Fire Department arrived on scene and removed the suspect driver by cutting her hair, which was trapped underneath the vehicle. The suspect driver was extracted and found to be a habitual traffic offender. The suspect was also found in possession of suspected cocaine, suspected heroin, suspected methamphetamine and other controlled substances. The suspect driver, 29 year-old Jessica Bovee was arrested and charged for possession of a controlled substance.

WELL, WE KNOW ITS NOT THE HAMBURGLAR….

Friday, September 4, 2015, Denver Police District 1 officers responded to a report of a burglary in the 2100 block of Lowell Boulevard. The suspect entered through a screen door of the residence. While inside, the suspect opened several food containers, made tea and drank out of a personal size container of juice. He then turned on the TV and was watching cartoons when the victim returned home. When the suspect saw the victim he fled out the back door. Then on Tuesday, Denver Police District 2 officers responded to two residential burglaries. One came in the 3700 block of Humboldt Street. The victim explained that a witness saw two suspects running from the home. When the victim arrived on scene, he found his door was unlocked and that two “Hot Pockets” were missing from his kitchen. The other incident came from the 1400 block of Quebec Street. Officers’ investigation revealed that unknown suspects pried off a screen on an unlocked window and entered the victim’s home. The suspect(s) opened drawers, drank half a soda from the refrigerator and left the can on the counter.


TO CATCH A BURGLAR

In the early morning hours of September 8, 2015, DPD DIA Detective David Stolley was notified by Officer Phillip Mitchell, that the day before he responded to the lost and found at the airport on a report that a party identified as 34-year-old Arthur Miller was trying to claim two bags. The bags, which were turned into the lost and found, contained six laptops. When Miller was notified that he could not claim the bags because he could not provide proof of ownership and that they were notifying the police, he left the window.

Officer Mitchell ran a check on the six laptops and found that four of them were reported stolen out of Boulder. Additionally, Arthur Miller had been identified as a person of interest in the cases of the stolen laptops. The officer then took possession of the bags with the laptops.

In the afternoon on September 8, 2015, while officers continued work on the stolen computers, additional officers were dispatched to a restaurant in Concourse A on a report of a party attempting to use a stolen credit card. The victim called the police after being notified that someone was at the restaurant trying to use her credit card which was stolen this same morning. The manager of the restaurant explained that the suspect was acting weirdly, and that he identified himself as Arthur Miller.

Moments after being dispatched to the restaurant, Officer Martin Martinez received a call of unattended baggage at a gate in Concourse A. The baggage had an ID tag showing it belong to Arthur Miller. Officers contacted the suspect in the area, and placed him into custody. Officers recovered the stolen credit card from Miller. Officers also recovered additional items which were reported stolen along with the credit card.

Miller was arrested and charged with burglary and theft.

THE WALKING DEAD ARRESTED

Early Sunday morning, November 1, 2015, Denver Police District 2 officers were dispatched to an apartment in the 3200 block of Brighton Boulevard after the victim arrived home from work to find his house had been broken into. The unknown suspect was sleeping on the victim’s couch. When the victim contacted the suspect, the suspect menaced him with a large knife. The victim ran out of the house and called the police. The suspect, who was dressed like a zombie, was still on scene when officers arrived. He was identified as 29 year-old Dane Clark and he was arrested for burglary and felony menacing.

QUICK-THINKING VICTIM NABS 1 of 3

Tuesday evening, November 3, 2015, a food-delivery driver was delivering an order to a market in the 3400 block of W. Alameda Avenue. The driver came out of the store and saw three male suspects stealing packaged food from the back of the truck and placing it into a dark-colored SUV. Two of the suspects drove off when they saw the driver. The driver was able to close the back of the truck, locking the third suspect inside until Denver Police District 4 officers arrived on scene. The suspect, 25-year-old Jose Ortiz and the two other suspects stole over $450 worth of food out of the truck. Ortiz was arrested for theft.