Buy me unagi and salmon skill roll...I don't care if I never get full...
If there’s one thing that sports arenas just shouldn’t mess with, it’s raw fish. In fact, unless it's high-quality, seafood shouldn't be anywhere near the middle of the country, a mile above sea level (you know, where most fish come from). No, it doesn’t make it better if it’s sports-themed, like a Rockies Roll that contains peanuts and crackerjack, or a Broncos roll that has orange salmon with dyed-blue rice. All of that is worse. So much worse.
The Rocky Mountain Oyster Po’Boy
There are things that should be in sandwiches, and things that should not be in sandwiches.
This dish was unfortunately new to Coors Field in 2018
(and available in non-sandwich form since the early years of Coors Field
), but...no. We just covered the inarguable fact that no one in a Colorado ballpark should be eating oysters, let alone this kind. If you want to impress people by eating things you shouldn’t (which means you’re probably also in third grade, and really shouldn’t be reading this at recess), go on Fear Factor
Hair, Hair, Everywhere
Stray hair: another argument in favor of the inevitable robot overlords.
In the hipster haven that is today’s Denver, we probably need to stop pretending that stray hairs in our various food items are always coming from the cook or server’s scalp. More likely it’s from their beard, which only gets washed when it starts to offend passersby. Hair nets? Too old-school. Beard nets? Silly. New uniform: sports-themed hazmat suits.
Ketchup is generally dispensed in measurements we call "splurts."
It's probably a terrible idea to put out unattended stands of condiments and expect that they might remain safe for human consumption. Granted, mustard lasts forever, ketchup less so, but we should probably swap them out and clean the spouts on more than an annual basis. Also, who was the brainiac who thought that open trays of raw onion and relish were a good idea? It’s like putting a salad bar out on the 16th Street Mall.
Strawberries on a Stick
One does not go to a ballgame in order to have a beer and a berry stick.
These things have got to go. Not because the chocolate-drizzled things are unhealthy. Just because they’re dumb.
Actually Watching the Games
Seriously — here in Denver, it’ll just spike your blood pressure.