Schmuck of the Week

Denver's less manly than it was last year? Step over here and say that!

And now, our (very deserving) Shmucks of the Week.

Last year, Denver was named the fifth manliest city in the U.S., which struck us as about four slots too low, but at least in the ballpark. But now, the same survey ranks Denver eleventh -- meaning we're less than half as manly as we used to be, according to these once wise but now clearly delusional morons. Which is absolutely untrue -- and we can prove it.

We don't even need to debate what the hell the pollsters in question -- Combos pretzel-and-cheese snacks and Best Places to Live listmaker Bert Sperling -- know about manliness (which is obviously not enough).

Nor is it necessary to debate the criteria they used in determining the results, which leans heavily on cities' consumption of manly snacks (eh?) and their number of manly jobs, like policeman, fireman, EMTs and construction workers.

Jobs which women can do, too, dipshits.

Besides, our women could beat the hell out of plenty of men in other cities -- and yet the final scores are determined after subtracting a so-called "Girly Penalty."

For what? Number of tampons purchased, you disgusting pigs?

If these people had been paying the slightest attention, they'd know Denver has upped its manliness quotient considerably. The Broncos added both Brady Quinn and Tim Tebow, and anyone who says they're not manly is either blind or going straight to hell.

We've also spawned manly crazies on both sides of the ideological divide, including confessed terrorist Nazibullah Zazi and devoted Obama hunter Gary Faulkner (who's from Greeley, but he flew into Denver earlier this week, which should count for something).

With that kind of beefiness added to our already manly populace, there's no way in hell Denver is less manly than it was last year. And not realizing that makes Combos and Bert Sperling as shmucky as shmucky can be.

May they be forced to accompany Faulkner on his next mission and not allowed to come back until they've seen the error of their ways or cut off Osama's head -- whichever comes first.

Check out other Shmucks of the Week in our Shmucks archive.

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts