Denver's Most Dogged: Kenny Be knows dog-lovers and what they want

In this week's Westword, Kenny Be draws "Denver's Most Dogged" -- a breakdown of the city's rabid dog-lovers. After dividing the dog-lovers into six types -- from Petrosexuals to Dogvocates -- he outlines their every desire.

Click through to see where you and your dog fit in ...

Who They Are Even though the city estimates that it has a population of over 177,000 dogs, there are only six types of dog owners ...

#1 of 6: The Petrosexuals Reason for having a dog: As an aid in meeting a mate, for practice child rearing Characteristics: Dog park birthday parties, always picking hair from clothes and face Breed preference: Labs, Retrievers Name choice: Cool names -- Ajax, Styx, Ida, Echo Favorite Accessory: Bandanna Poop pick-up percentage: 100%. Will carry extra poop bags for socializing purposes, will pick up abandoned poops to win favorable dog-walking dates

#2 of 6: The Sublimatriarch Reason for having a dog: As a substitute for having children, to silence biological time clock Characteristics: Receives daily email updates from dog daycare, features recent dog photos on screensaver Breed preference: Terriers or Beagles, always in pairs Name choice: Larger than life human names -- Elvis, Elton, Gandhi, Hillary, Sonny, Cher Favorive accessory: Dog walker's fanny pack Poop pick-up percentage: 110%. Rarely caught bagless, will drive back to scene to pick up accidents

#3 of 6: The Lifestyler Reason for having a dog: A companion to share and show off personal style Characteristics: Sips lattes and talks on iPhone while walking dog on downtown streets Breed preference: Mid-sized hybrids rescued from shelters with elaborate adoption procedures Name choice: Granny names -- Lulu, Sadie, Abby, Ruby Favorite accessory: Matching drapes and dog bed, or anything from Poop pick-up percentage: 91%. Always carries bags, but has an occasional multi-tasking mishap

#4 of 6: The Dogvocate Reason for having a dog: Believes it is her role to rescue suffering and unloved animals Characteristics: Provides foster home care for hard-to-place pets, speaks at dog park meetings, writes letters to editors, knits for dogs Favorite breed: Anything from the shelter that is leaking, flaking or missing parts Name choice: Ironic action names -- Spunky, Tug, Jitterbug Favorite accessories: Stitches, neck cones Poop pick-up percentage: 100%. Always picks up poop but leaves the poop bag on the lawn for homeowners to toss in the trash

#5 of 6: The Cro-Magnon Reason for having a dog: As a substitute for the complexities of human relationships Characteristics: Won't call off his dog when it plays rough or humps other dogs or kids Breed preference: Any mutt/pit bull mix Name choice: Droll boy names -- Bob, Jack, Jack, Sam, Joe Favorite accessories: Beer-flavored rawhide chews, peanut butter balls Poop pick-up percentage: 0%. Believes that dog shit is the perfect fertilizer for city lawns

#6 of 6: The Tourist Reason for having a dog: Best friend Characteristics: Talks to dog in baby talk, refers to self as Mummy (or Daddy), refers to dog as my little girl (or boy), always carries dog from place to place in a bag or purse Favorite breed: The Louis Vuitton purse pup Name choice: Anything that is sugary sweet --Twinky, Tinkerbell, Butterbean, Booboo Favorite accessory: Reversible Burberry coat and cap Poop pick-up percentage: 100%. Typically while asking, "Twinky have a wittle pwesent for Mummy?"

What They Want ... Dog-crazy Denverites do not like fenced dog parks! As seen in the illustration above, what they really want is for the Denver Parks Department to build the fences around the dogless human activities and to declare all city parks as off-leash dog areas.

Dog lovers are also pushing the Denver Parks Department to purchase the Elitch Gardens Amusement part and retrofit the rides to simulate country drives and swimming experiences for inner-city dogs.

Due to complaints from equestrians and birdwatchers, Colorado State Parks now plans to fence the off-leash dog areas at Chatfield and Cherry Creek State Parks and charge an extra dog entry fee! Off-leash activists are demanding instead that these state parks be partitioned (and paid for) equally among equestrian, the dogless, and off-leash user groups.

As taxpayers, dog walkers do not want to pay extra taxes or fees for their lifestyle choice and would prefer that dog park improvements be paid for by the advertising sales on poop-bag dispensing station signage.
KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kenny Be
Contact: Kenny Be