When a guy's got to smoke, a guy's got to smoke. But what if he's told he can't smoke, no matter how badly he needs to suck a soothing cloud of tar and nicotine into his lungs?
The answer for Eric Cech, according to a Boulder Police report on view below, involved a full bedpan.
The affidavit notes that the incident took place on July 7 at Boulder Community Hospital. Cech, 44, had been admitted to the facility for reasons not outlined in the narrative, but it's reasonable to surmise he wasn't being ultra-cooperative, given that he was restrained in an intensive-care-unit bed by a chest strap. Cech had been provided with a bedpan, identified in the document as a "urinal" -- a key piece of information to keep in mind as the tale unfolds.
A nurse subsequently told the reporting officer that Cech had repeated demanded a cigarette. On each occasion, the nurse told Cech smoking was not allowed in the ICU per hospital policy, and while the patient's actions are dubbed manipulative and demanding, they apparently stopped short of aggression -- at that point, anyhow.
However, the dynamic changed after Cech filled his bedpan. When the nurse returned to the room, Cech allegedly popped the top on the bedpan. The nurse quickly turned to the side, assuming that something would soon be flying his way -- and he was right. He said Cech hurled the urinal, and while it didn't strike the nurse, some of its contents did.
On the right side of his face. In his right eye. And a little bit in his mouth for good measure.
Next, the nurse said Cech tried to punch him, twice, but thanks in large part to the chest strap, he missed. And more ties that bind would be in his future. After he calmed down, the nurse told the officer, he put wrist restraints on him, too.
As for Cech, he denied tossing the urine and didn't sign the summons against him because of those wrist restraints and the affects of a sedative he'd been given. A day or so later, a cop returned to check with Cech, who was unsure at that point whether he'd been given a ticket or not. So he looked through his stuff -- and lo and behold, there it was!
The charges? Third-degree assault and attempted third-degree assault, which differ from previous counts against him. The Boulder Daily Camera notes that he's already been arrested for DUI three times in 2012.
Don't the Brits describe that condition as being pissed? Here's a larger look at Cech's booking photo, followed by the aforementioned police report.
More from our Colorado Crimes archive: "Feces and urine attack at Larimer County Jail bigger than usual but not uncommon, rep says."
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.