The answer for Eric Cech, according to a Boulder Police report on view below, involved a full bedpan.
The affidavit notes that the incident took place on July 7 at Boulder Community Hospital. Cech, 44, had been admitted to the facility for reasons not outlined in the narrative, but it's reasonable to surmise he wasn't being ultra-cooperative, given that he was restrained in an intensive-care-unit bed by a chest strap. Cech had been provided with a bedpan, identified in the document as a "urinal" -- a key piece of information to keep in mind as the tale unfolds.
A nurse subsequently told the reporting officer that Cech had repeated demanded a cigarette. On each occasion, the nurse told Cech smoking was not allowed in the ICU per hospital policy, and while the patient's actions are dubbed manipulative and demanding, they apparently stopped short of aggression -- at that point, anyhow.
However, the dynamic changed after Cech filled his bedpan. When the nurse returned to the room, Cech allegedly popped the top on the bedpan. The nurse quickly turned to the side, assuming that something would soon be flying his way -- and he was right. He said Cech hurled the urinal, and while it didn't strike the nurse, some of its contents did.
On the right side of his face. In his right eye. And a little bit in his mouth for good measure.
Next, the nurse said Cech tried to punch him, twice, but thanks in large part to the chest strap, he missed. And more ties that bind would be in his future. After he calmed down, the nurse told the officer, he put wrist restraints on him, too.
As for Cech, he denied tossing the urine and didn't sign the summons against him because of those wrist restraints and the affects of a sedative he'd been given. A day or so later, a cop returned to check with Cech, who was unsure at that point whether he'd been given a ticket or not. So he looked through his stuff -- and lo and behold, there it was!
The charges? Third-degree assault and attempted third-degree assault, which differ from previous counts against him. The Boulder Daily Camera notes that he's already been arrested for DUI three times in 2012.
Don't the Brits describe that condition as being pissed? Here's a larger look at Cech's booking photo, followed by the aforementioned police report.
More from our Colorado Crimes archive: "Feces and urine attack at Larimer County Jail bigger than usual but not uncommon, rep says."