Here's how Monica Owens can make her blog as hot as she is

Beware, Monica Owens: Adam Cayton-Holland has a bone on for you.

With the media’s attention now shifted from Denver to Minneapolis, if for no other reason than to see if John McCain’s last patch of sallow skin flakes off to reveal a titanium bone-structure and a glowing-red Terminator 2 eye, so too does the attention of our local punditry. Channel 9, for example, has dispatched a team of bloggers to the Republican National Convention, each more boring than the last, to give you, the insatiable 9News hound that you are, all the coverage you can laboriously drift your eyes across before falling asleep in your parents' basement. One such pundit just so happens to be Monica Owens, the former governor’s daughter!

Why should you care? Because Monica is hot! All right, she's hot in that sort-of-evil, Fox News she-bitch kind of way. Hot in that she-used-to-be-Cheney’s-scheduler-at-the-White-House/my-parents-would-be-ashamed-of-me-if-I-brought-her-home kind of way!

It’s not hard to picture this well-manicured little doll-face at some important meet-and-greet, smiling and exuding the finishing-school charm all politicians' children excrete, then snapping after too much Chardonnay and sprinting for the red-button screaming, "I’m going to blow up everything! Do you hear me? Fucking everything!" Then someone’s like, "Quick, can anyone distract her?" And then you put on some soul music, light some candles and go, "Monica, baby, now why you gots to go and get all crazy, girl? Ain’t you know if you hit that red button you’re just going to cut down on the time we have to get to know each other?"

That’s how Monica Owens is hot.

But damn, does she need some help blogging. Fortunately, I’m a bona fide blog sensation, a blogsation, and I’ve got a few tips for Monica to move those pageviews right on up to the East Side. Because in the world of blogging, Monica, it’s all about how many people read your screed.

Tip one: take advantage of your status. You’re the daughter of the former governor, girlfriend. You know how high-profile that is? Couple that with the net’s tendency to attract perverts and you’re on to something.

For example, you write, "My mom and I landed in Minnesota this afternoon and after a quick trip to the hotel, headed to the Minneapolis Convention Center for a Delegate Welcome Party!"

Fucking boring. Next time, try this: "My mom, Frances Owens, the former First Lady of the state of Colorado, and myself, the former First Daughter of the state of Colorado, arrived in Minneapolis, topless. Boobs everywhere. After a brief stop to the hotel, we headed to the convention center for a lingerie tickle-fight."

Jackpot! Now, aim for the geek-o-sphere and star-fuckers. They’re the ones reading this stuff.

To wit, when you write, "The President and Vice President are not coming to Minnesota, which is somewhat disappointing, though, I do believe that their number one priority should be helping the people of the Gulf Coast and it is in the best interest of the country for the White House to deal with the approaching storm," you are so missing an opportunity.

Try this: "The President and Vice President, who may or may not be aliens, are not coming to Minnesota -- where someone is probably playing World of Warcraft right now -- which sucks. But I do believe that their number-one priority should be figuring out what exactly is going on with Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz right now, and if that just so happens to be on a beach where there’s a threesome taking place on a fuck-swing, so be it. It’s in the best interest of this country to embrace steam-punk as an aesthetic, Star Wars character made out of Legos, bukkake."

Follow my simple tips, Monica Owens, and your RNC blogging experience will be a full success. Now get out there, girlfriend, you’ve got a convention to cover! -- Adam Cayton-Holland

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts