But, Wait, There’s More! Bonus Gifts That Could Help Sell Pence Tickets

Even Mike Pence looks askance at Mike Pence.
Even Mike Pence looks askance at Mike Pence. Gage Skidmore at Flickr

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Deep in my heart, I do believe.
Sam at Flickr
5. A Lock of Trump’s Hair
You can wear it in a locket around your neck, like everyone in Trump’s cabinet is required to do. Now you, too, can be feckless and toadying! You can thank your boss at the beginning of every meeting for gracing you with the privilege of serving him! If you ever feel uncomfortable about any of it, just rub the locket full of his hair, and remember your place.

4. A Coupon for Gay Therapy
Back in 2000, when Pence was running for Congress, one of the proposals he put forth was to take away the money dedicated to HIV/AIDS prevention and commit it to so-called conversion-therapy groups. Sure, it's a psuedo-science that's baseless and damaging, but there are still plenty of gay-conversion groups out there, as suggested by last week’s episode of the Will & Grace relaunch (a show that would, of course, be canceled immediately under the laws passed in a future Pence administration).

3. The Right to Choose Whether or Not You Believe in Science
But look, only some science, okay? Like creationism, which is clearly worthy of being taught in schools alongside (if you must) whatever piffle that Darwin character dreamed up. But reproductive rights? Immoral. Planned Parenthood? Iniquitous. Global warming? Unproven. Institutional racism? Inconsequential. Mike Pence wants Americans to choose…just from a very short list of allowable options.

2. An Administrative Appointment
There are still tons of jobs available in the Trump administration. Pay no attention to those rats. This ship of state isn’t sinking. Believe me. Not sinking. On the contrary, a lot of people are saying that we're doing better at this point in the presidency than any other president before. Believe me, if this ship were sinking, I'd be the first to tell you. Fake news about the sinking, which there’s been a lot of lately. Someone should really look into that. Sad!

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Hi, everyone, this is my wife, Karen, who keeps me on a godly path, and my testicles in a small box in her purse.
Estonian Foreign Ministry at Flickr
1. Lunch With Mike Pence
Unless, you know, you’re a woman.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen