Had we not already designated police-car swiper Dustin Guinn as our latest Schmuck of the Week earlier today, John David Martinez would seemingly have qualified. After all, he's accused of robbing a bank while wearing a shirt with his name on it.
But a closer look at the police report prepared for the case, seen below in its entirety, puts a sadder spin on the incident, as the 68-year-old Martinez appears to have been driven by financial desperation and eager to confess what he'd done.
At 9:04 a.m. on July 22, according to the aforementioned probable cause statement, a man later identified as Martinez entered the Wells Fargo branch located at 1777 West 38th Avenue.
"This is a robbery, give me the money," Martinez is quoted as telling a female bank employee. He then handed the teller a dark colored, zippered bag.
The teller put some bills into the bag before handing it to the staffer adjacent to her, who did the same. The second employee was about to pass the bag to a third when Martinez told her, "That's enough."
Within seconds, Martinez took the bag and split -- but tracking him down wasn't difficult. For one thing, he could be seen leaving in a silver 2001 Honda Accord registered to him and his wife. For another, he had been wearing a black, short-sleeve T-shirt with the name "John" on the chest area.
At around 2 p.m. that same day, the Honda was located in the parking lot of a Ramada Inn at 2601 Zuni, where Martinez and his wife were registered. Agents went to the room in question, found Martinez there and took him into custody on suspicion of felony robbery involving $20,000 or more.
A rep of the Rocky Mountain Safe Streets Task Force was transporting Martinez when he received a call from a supervisor, who asked that he phone back without using the hands-free option. As he was attempting to do so, Martinez allegedly said, "He probably wants to tell you he found the money."
In response, the report says, the agent looked back at Martinez, who then added, "That I took from the bank this morning."
Martinez appears to have been similarly loquacious when he sat down with law enforcers for a formal interview. After waiving his right to remain silent, he's quoted as saying that he and his wife had been evicted from their home three weeks earlier. They'd moved into the Ramada around two-and-a-half weeks later -- and that morning, while his wife was still asleep, John had crept out of their room and robbed the bank. Upon his return, he told his wife he'd borrowed the money -- which, in a way, he had.
Granted, Martinez isn't a newcomer to crime: 7News reports that his record includes arrests for forgery, criminal impersonation, DUI hit and run, resisting arrest and assault with a deadly weapon. But the manner of his confession, not to mention his choice of shirt and use of his own car, suggests that he's grown weary of the game.
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Which is just as well, since he probably won't get a chance to play it again anytime soon. Here's a larger look at Martinez's booking photo, followed by the probable cause statement.
Send your story tips to the author, Michael Roberts.