State senator Dave Schultheis, a Colorado Springs Republican, has long been an expert at saying things that slacken jaws -- but he truly outdid himself yesterday, when he spoke out against legislation that would require pregnant women to receive HIV tests in order to prevent their babies from being infected. He explained his opposition to the Rocky Mountain News's Lynn Bartels like so: "What I'm hoping is that yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that. The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years ... begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior."
This explanation got us wondering: Is there any dubious parental behavior capable of convincing Schultheis that government intervention was necessary? Doubt it -- and here are some examples of how he might justify his inaction.
A mother who teaches her newborn to smoke cigarettes: "She'll regret that decision when the hacking keeps her up all night."
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A father who trades his baby for a six-pack of Old Milwaukee and a bag of Cheetos: "In future years, he'll wish he'd held out for a twelve-pack and a box of Bugles."
A mother who hooks her baby on intravenous drugs: "When she goes broke, she'll learn her lesson. I hear that stuff's really expensive."
A father who juggles chainsaws over his baby's crib: "If he drops one a them Poulans, he'll have a mountain of medical bills -- and he'll have to buy a new mattress."
Britney Spears: "Who am I to judge whether she should put her baby in a car seat when she's driving? And besides, that 'Womanizer' song is really catchy."