Off Limits

A half-dozen local 7-Eleven franchises aren't thanking heaven for a recent rash of "snatch and dash" heists, which have resulted in no arrests -- but a lot of head-scratching over the culprits' peculiar shopping lists.

According to police reports, they started at 2:45 a.m. Thursday, September 16, when a Hispanic male in his twenties entered the 7-Eleven at 4770 West Colfax Avenue and asked the clerk for a carton of Marlboro Reds, then a carton of Marlboro Lights. And then the diversion: a carton of Kools. When the clerk turned his back to grab the menthols, the perp ran with his two cartons of smokes to a waiting car, a silver Chevy Cavalier, which then sped south on Wolff Street.

A little more than 24 hours later, at 4:24 a.m., the 7-Eleven at 1301 West 38th Avenue got hit. A Hispanic male came in, tried on a few pairs of $2.99 Gear sunglasses, picked out a pair he liked, then sprinted out the door with the glasses -- as well as three packs of Energizer D batteries (in what might have been a misguided tribute to the immortal Radio Raheem of "D, Motherfucka, D" fame).

The next 7-Eleven shoplifter was a short, thin, bald Hispanic male in his late twenties who entered the convenience store at 2609 Federal Boulevard at 5:20 p.m. Sunday, September 19. The man went to the back of the store, where he casually poured a Super Big Gulp and made himself a super-sized order of nachos, then approached the clerk and asked for a carton of Marlboro Kings. After the clerk gave him the smokes, the guy made his break, cradling the Big Gulp and nachos like a halfback carrying a football as he sprinted to his getaway vehicle, a black two-door sedan with spinning rims.

That night, a short white male ran into the 7-Eleven at 1850 South Sheridan Boulevard and ran out with a twelve-pack of Coke, a twelve-pack of Fanta and a packet of Pop Rocks candy. (Dude, your stomach's gonna blow up.)

The next day, six black males in their early twenties entered the 7-Eleven at 1645 East 17th Avenue just after 9 p.m. Each filled a 64-ounce cherry Slurpee and then, on a prearranged signal, ran out of the store, snatching random items on the way -- including a gallon of milk, five cigarette lighters, a "Patriotic American Flag" bumper sticker and ten Jolly Rancher suckers, assorted flavors.

The sixth and final 7-Eleven heist in less than a week was the least eventful of all. A black man in a black mesh shirt sauntered into the store at 1800 Downing Street, grabbed a twelve-pack of Busch Natural Light from the back cooler and casually walked out.

The suspects in all of the heists are still wanted. Also wanted, according to a flier posted at one of the 7-Eleven outlets struck by the petty crime wave: new "sales associates" who are able to "multi-task" and lift fifty pounds, particularly "smiling, pleasant applicants that enjoy working with the public."

Even the non-paying public.

Ain't that a kick in the pants: Once again, the Commish has led his loyal troops to victory. This time, though, they scored on the catwalk rather than the kickball field.

Last Thursday night, the Denver Kickball Coalition's fearless leader pulled his players onto the hi-dive stage and told them to press the flesh. And they did. The twelve Denver bachelors raised $2,062 for Morey Middle School, where the DKC plays kickball on Sunday mornings. "How do we get this much sex on one stage?" wondered auctioneer Sid Pink.

If money talks, the sexiest athlete at the "Do It for the Kids" benefit was Joe Phillips, aka the Commish. A lovely redhead in the audience snatched him up for two C-notes, after challenging her own winning bid of $125. But, hey, it was for charity. "Those kids will be so fuckin' happy if they even know what's going on," the Commish announced from the stage.

Also popular with the ladies was Rob Bowman, who sold for $140 after Pink goosed the crowd, asking, "What do you want? Kids not to read?" and Robby performed a coy striptease with his tie. Adam Lancaster and Adam Panteloglow, aka AA Batteries, writhed $110 out of the crowd with their spirited skit to 'N Sync's "Bye, Bye, Bye," and Matthew "the Mechanic" Hamm sparked a bidding war, finally bringing in $180 for his skills, uh, under the hood.


Scene and herd: On Tuesday, the Fillmore hosted a benefit concert for Senate candidate Ken Salazar, featuring Don Henley, Timothy B. Schmit and Glenn Frey. Unfortunately for Pete Coors, his family brewery is the marquee sponsor for events at that venue, so the sign outside the Fillmore that night (as on all nights) had Coors Light welcoming concert-goers -- and Salazar supporters. It's gotta suck when your own company is shilling for the competition. Š Just up Colfax Avenue, the Bluebird Theater has put Denver on the fashion map, thanks to a snapshot of The Calling taken in front of that music hall last year. The pic accompanies an article in the September Vogue on Laura Dawn, who opened for the band and has since gone from punk to activist. She and pal Moby came up with the idea for "Bush in 30 Seconds," the anti-Bush ad contest sponsored by -- and won by local boy Charlie Fisher. It's a small, small world.

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