Photos: Proof Denver and Colorado are happier, smarter and more drunk than the rest

Seems like there's a new list ranking cities and states every day, and plenty of them have Denver and/or Colorado at or near the top. In fact, we've ranked so mile high in so many different categories -- from healthiest to drunkest to happiest to most apt to use a condom -- that we've rounded up ten examples, featuring excerpts from and links to our original posts. After reading them, you'll feel sorry for everyone who isn't already a Coloradan. But we got here first. Colorado is a national leader in condom use
Colorado is...the State Least Likely to Get Knocked Up or Contract the Dreaded Clap©. That's according to research conducted by the apparently bored folks at ACNielsen and published in the current issue of Women's Health, which we read religiously, by the way, because nothing passes the time like the old "Is it a sex toy or a household object game?" (2009)
Denver is the drunkest city in America
...You know what goes great with business deals? Getting hammered. And since we're so business friendly, and we do so many business deals, that probably explains why we're the Drunkest City in America, at least according to Men's Health. It's probably true. I'm hammered right now. Aren't you? (2008)
Continue reading about why Denver and Colorado are happier, smarter and more drunk than the rest.. Colorado is the skinniest state
Maybe it's because there are so many appealing outdoor activities, or maybe it's because part of our population consists of Olympic gold-medalists like Missy Franklin, who skew the average. (2012)
Denver is the 13th best city for singles
"With a brunt of popular sports teams -- Broncos, Nuggets, Avalanche and Rockies -- as well as a lively bar scene, Denver isn't just for skiing," the [Forbes] website says. "Popular spots for singles include the Denver Art Museum, P S Lounge -- which is more of a dive bar -- and the Thin Man, favored for its outdoor seating in the summer."

True that, Forbes. That horse on the chair outside the art museum is a real aphrodisiac. (2009)

Continue reading about why Denver and Colorado are happier, smarter and more drunk than the rest.. Denver is the sixth least wasteful city
The 2009 Nalgene Least Wasteful Cities Study, conducted by the Earth-conscious bottle makers at Nalgene, surveyed (very few) people about how much they drive, recycle, and do other things that affect the sustainability of their cities. Denver ranked sixth, behind San Francisco, New York, Seattle, Portland and, oddly, Los Angeles. You wouldn't think all those actors switching to canvas bags could make up for the waste caused by the many millions of miles driven in the Sweeping Concrete Wasteland by the Sea. (2009).
Denver is the sixth-happiest city
McDonald's -- a national hamburger chain known for helping our children get super fat for decades -- considers Denver one of America's happiest cities for families.

I have absolutely no idea what this means -- I can only assume it's that we're always nice to the Hamburglar when we see him in the mall. (2009)

Continue reading about why Denver and Colorado are happier, smarter and more drunk than the rest.. Colorado is the third-best state for business
...According to Colorado's scorecard, the state was powered by its economy (No. 5 in the country), business friendliness (5), access to capital (9) and quality of life (10). Conversely, it was dragged down by transportation and infrastructure (36), education (33), cost of living (32) and presence of In n Out Burger (N/A) (2009).
Denver is America's angriest city
The Daily Beast reached this conclusion by combining the per capita turnouts for the Tea Party's April 15, 2009 protests and the Occupy Wall Street-related demonstrations on October 15. In addition, cities had to have a population of more than 500,000 in order to have a shot at the anger championship -- and Denver, with an estimated 582,447 resisdents, snuck in under the wire, and took the title from the big boys. (2011)
Continue reading about why Denver and Colorado are happier, smarter and more drunk than the rest.. Denver is one of the best cities for kids
While the various selections aren't numbered, they're not sorted alphabetically, either, implying that the ones higher in order are better than those beneath them. By that measure, Denver places sixth, behind such places as Virginia Beach, Virginia, Overland, Kansas and Boston. But the Mile High City does manage to best Rochester, Minnesota, Des Moines, Iowa, Plano, Texas and Edison, New Jersey. Suck it, losers! Our kids are happier than your kids any day of the week! (2009)
Colorado is the third smartest state
Yes, it's the latest meaningless survey that still somehow makes us feel good about ourselves. The Kauffman Foundation has declared Colorado to be America's third smartest state, behind only Massachusetts and Maryland -- both of which are kinda stuck up, frankly. The Colorado salute...mentions lots of good things about the state, plus, for some reason, Crocs.

More from our Lists & Weirdness archive: "Fifty latest reasons Colorado is the best state in the country."

KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts