The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has gotten off to a rousing start in 2012 — the year of the alleged Apocalypse. County officials across Colorado report receiving numerous mailings from the FLDS, otherwise known as that crazy Mormon sect led by super-creepy imprisoned polygamist Warren Jeffs. The mailings — sent priority mail, United States Postal Service, for about $6 each — come from Vaughan Taylor, who's with Jeffs's FLDS Church in Colorado City, Arizona; within each mailer are individual envelopes addressed to each county commissioner, the county attorney and the sheriff. Most are a couple of pages of "revelation" given to Jeffs; "Thus Saith Jesus Christ to the Leaders in Governing Powers, Also to All Peoples of the Nation of United States of America, My Own Word of Full Power Soon to Take Full Way of Cleansing Power Upon All in This Nation if You Repent Not" was one recent title. Some have a theme — abortion; don't ask, don't tell — while others are just general calls to awakening. But the last was a book that's 149 pages long, one county manager reports. And the mailers conveniently include a price list if a county wants to order reprints.
Still, the FLDS would have to sell a lot of reprints to cover the cost of the large advertisements that appeared in the Denver Post and half a dozen other major newspapers around the country this past weekend, warning that the Lord is coming very soon. In those ads, the FLDS appears to report that Christ revealed his impending arrival to Jeffs on December 27 in Palestine, Texas, where Jeffs is serving a life sentence for sexually assaulting two of his underage brides.
It reads, in part: "I, who am of the full Godhood power over world, even of my Father, Elohim, who is my Eternal Father, saith Jesus Christ, your Lord and Holy Savior, Son Ahman; who redeemed all mankind from the grave, to lift each up by my power over death unto life in the holy resurrection; I say to all nations...Repent ye; now be of full humbling; all peoples shall be humbled in full way; as I send full judgments."
Which doesn't make a lot of sense, but it still made more sense than the overkill of another Mormon-related ad that appeared in the Post on Friday: a two full page-plus wrap-around billboard for The Book of Mormon. The musical, penned by Colorado boys and South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, opens in Denver on August 14, the first stop on a much-anticipated road tour. So anticipated that no advertising may have been necessary: Tickets for the two-and-a-half-week run sold out within hours. In fact, many would-be theater-goers were left feeling a little apocalyptically despondent themselves since the Denver Center's online ticketing system essentially shut down due to demand — returning to functionality only after the performances were all sold out. Salvation, it seems, will have to come in the form of ticket gouging on Stub Hub. And yes, just a day later, there were already dozens of Mormon tickets for sale online, ranging in price from $500 to $600 apiece. (While scalping is illegal in Denver, cyberspace extends well beyond city limits. Thanks, Denver Attractions, for handling that so well.)
It will be interesting to see whether there is the same amount of interest in another Mormon, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, when Colorado's Republican caucuses roll around on February 7. Romney lost South Carolina to Newt Gingrich, despite the fact that Gingrich has had more wives than Romney (yes, we know, aside from Jeffs, the LDS church gave up polygamy a century ago). But Colorado has a significant LDS population because of its proximity to Utah.
Scene and heard: Will Rick Santorum stay in the race long enough to see Colorado? The New Yorker just ran a piece on how Dan Savage saved the then-senator with his campaign to come up with a sex act named "santorum." Butt, seriously, folks...