The Old College Try

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As many of you are no doubt aware, April 11, aka College Friday -- a day designed to promote higher education by the good folks at College in Colorado – has come and gone, and Mayor Hickenlooper, if that is his real name, which it is, declined to get in touch with yours truly.

You see, Hick and I attended the same school, Wesleyan University. And part of the push for College Friday involved TV spots featuring local notables – including Hick – clad in their favorite college gear, encouraging regular folks to rock their school’s gear on April 11. Hickenlooper did his spot in his red Wesleyan T and I, naturally, wrote a column proposing that Hick and I have lunch together that day to promote our school, higher education and my own inflated sense of self-importance. But Hick did not accept my invitation.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I must now welcome Mayor John Hickenlooper to my shit-list, a place previously occupied by Carmelo Anthony (didn’t invite me to his birthday party) and Matt Holliday (refused my repeated requests to play catch with him). But unlike Anthony and Holliday, I fear Hickenlooper lacks the athletic prowess needed to make it off this list. Sure, he has the political chops – but frankly, politics is just not a skill I admire. Hitting the shit out of a baseball, sure. Dunking, absolutely. Getting taxpayers to vote for a jail? Don’t really care about that, Hick.

Maybe the mayor was too busy to go to lunch with me, maybe he wasn’t even in town that day or, as my boss pointed out, maybe the mayor didn’t really see any good that could come out of the lunch-date since one time I wrote an entire column where I made up every quote from him. Who’s to say? All that I know for certain is that on April 11 I ate my lunch alone. And I was so distraught I didn’t even wear my Wesleyan T-shirt.

But Dawn Taylor Owens responded to my column, Hick. Dawn Taylor Owens cares what I think. The executive director of College in Colorado wrote me a letter thanking me for the free press, and pointing out that you needed about seven takes for your shot in the commercial when Governor Ritter only needed four. I don’t really know what that means -- especially since TV regulars Domonique Foxworth and Vic Lombardi needed ten takes, too -- but I feel obligated to point it out.

Now if you’ll excuse me, your Honor, I have to get back to work. Because hard work is what it takes to succeed in this world. That’s a little lesson I picked up at a place called Wesleyan University. You may have heard of it. – Adam Cayton-Holland

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