The Ten Worst Denver-Specific Halloween Costumes

It’s almost Halloween, which means that you probably already have a jack-o-lantern out on your stoop, or you’ve resigned yourself to not bothering for yet another year. If you do care, though, you should probably focus on getting a costume together for that party Saturday night instead of carving up large veggies and stuffing a candle in their scooped-out hulls.

But what to wear? You want it to be clever, sure. Creative is always good. Locally themed would be great. But don’t get carried away: Just because something is homegrown doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good. Here’s a top ten list of Denver costumes in the face of which you should just shut the door.

10. The Dimwits Who Robbed DeMarcus Ware
These idiots, who at least had the good sense to rob someone they knew wouldn't be home, unfortunately also possessed the stupidity to rob DeMarcus Ware, who, aside from being able to break them over one knee like a piece of kindling, had in his home a high-tech security system that showed photos of the intruders with the quality and resolution of a wedding portrait. (Two suspects have already been arrested in the crime.) A costume of these morons would be easy: Wear a cheap Broncos shirt from King Soopers while carrying a TV and wearing a Superbowl ring. Just be careful: You may get the crap beaten out of you by any Broncos fan. Or, you know, DeMarcus Ware.

9. Audrey or Officer Odell from Rockies Autos
Sure, lots of Denverites might think of going as the Denver-classic pitchman Shaggy for Halloween — but if you really want to go obscure, dress like sidekicks Officer Odell or Audrey. For the former, any average $29 cop costume will do (and it's probably the exact same costume used for the ads). For the latter, just dress like any mom from Highlands Ranch or Stapleton. And smile — a ton. Like, a scary amount.

8. A Garage-Brewed Beer Bottle
We’ve all seen the beer bottle costume — the big foam rubber sheath that you put over yourself, after which you sort of lean back in a cool-guy pose, complete with a thumbs-up that says, "Yeah, we all love beer, but man….I am beer!” This takes that admirable concept, rips the label off, and re-uses the original bottle for your own creatively titled home-brew lager with essences of pumpkin, marijuana and self-aggrandizement.

7. A Denver Renter
Or a nearly homeless guy. Same outfit.

6. Politically Active John Elway
There are a lot of Broncos-themed costumes you could go for — Von Miller with the ten-gallon-hat and the coke-bottle glasses, or Peyton Manning and his retirement robe. But this costume celebrates the uncharacteristically unwise Elway, who chose this election season to pimp for the fracker-backed Amendment 71 while publicly opposing a higher minimum wage and universal health care. Probably not worth the risk of alienating half the football-loving public, John. And really, we need a pay raise to keep up with the ticket prices for home games.

Continue to see our picks for the five worst Denver-specific Halloween costumes.

5. Adele Arakawa
What do you get when you don a pink pantsuit with really big shoulder pads? Yes, that’s right, it’s 9News’ own anchorwoman extraordinaire and Dorian Gray-wannabe Adele Arakawa. Well, either her or Hillary Clinton. Or '90s TV zeitgeist character Murphy Brown. Either way, avoid this outfit. 

4. Blucifer
It's tough to dress like public art (but if you're going to go this route, the bologna-tower over near the Pedestrian Bridge leading from downtown to Highland might be easier, if seriously unattractive). The easy part of this costume is the glowing red eyes and the blue-and-black hue. Harder is looking enough like a horse that you don’t instead resemble an evil genie or Dr. Manhattan with pants on. (Please put pants on.) Most difficult is unnecessarily frightening all first-time visitors to the Mile High City.

3. Pot-Infused Candy Bar
Edibles are pretty popular with both lovers of getting high and the legislators who want to control it all, and it’s a much better costume idea than a pot leaf or a giant walking doobie or the quintessential Northface-wearing, weekend-mountaineering, pot-smoking Coloradan. 

2. Almost Anyone on the Colorado Ballot This Year
Because whether you’re going as Michael Bennett, Daryl Glenn or any of your district's representatives, no one will know you’re even in costume, let alone who you’re supposed to be.

10. Brock Osweiler
All you need for this costume is $72 million and no game whatsoever.
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen