Tips for Transplants: Rules for April

Pardon me, April: We were told there'd be cake and kazoos?
Pardon me, April: We were told there'd be cake and kazoos? Ellen Schauer at Flickr

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click to enlarge Revenge of the Lawn. - SHANE ADAMS AT FLICKR
Revenge of the Lawn.
Shane Adams at Flickr
6. Start Caring About Grass Again
Lawns in Colorado are a tricky thing: We live in the high desert, of course, so front yards are not necessarily the lush expanses one might find in muggier climes. We have to water, and fuss, and re-seed, and water some more. (Or xeriscape. Or just say fuck it and zeroscape.)

7. 4/20
Speaking of grass…it’s debatable whether or not we really need a 4/20 celebration anymore. On the one hand, the battle is sort of won for Colorado, isn’t it? Sure, there are skirmishes to fight and a looming confrontation with the feds that potentially threatens our marijuana laws. On the other hand, well, there’s a lot to both celebrate and defend, isn’t there? Either way, 4/20 will be a hazy day in spring, at least down at the State Capitol. Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

click to enlarge Everyfring is fine now. - TEAGUE BOHLEN
Everyfring is fine now.
Teague Bohlen
8. Cherry Cricket Reopens for Biz (and Burgers)
The iconic Cherry Creek burger joint makes its triumphant return on April 11, with festivities planned throughout the week to celebrate. On Tuesday, April 11, there will be cake and champagne; on Wednesday, a thank-you to the firefighters who responded to the fire that temporarily closed the space, plus a benefit for Metro Care Ring (three cans of food scores you a basket of fries!). On Thursday there will be a bagpipe funeral for the three fish lost in the fire (and fish and chips on special, no doubt), and Friday is Broncos day. The reopening culminates on Easter Sunday, when you can have your pick of free candy. And if you find a golden egg, Easter lunch is comped. Then on Monday…well, it’s back to business as usual, serving some of the best burgers and frings in the Mile High City.

9. Goodbye Skis, Hello Shorts
Now is the time in Denver when you can start wearing shorts without looking like a douche. You know the type: the doofus (of any gender, by the way) who wears shorts in January because they’re just that tough and inured to the elements and soooooo Colorado that they can hack it? Don’t be that guy.

click to enlarge Sorry, daffodils. - ORANGEAUROCHS AT FLICKR
Sorry, daffodils.
Orangeaurochs at Flickr
10. Springtime, You’re Not Fooling Anyone
We know you’ve got at least one more heavy snow in you, Denver weather. Don’t you? Don’t you? (Please?)
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen