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Best Use for Ocean Journey

Long John Hickenlooper's

Denver's short on seafood restaurants, and Wynkoop Brewing Co. owner John Hickenlooper is long -- very long -- on lost causes. Could any cause be more lost than Ocean Journey's? If the place does tank -- and it's only barely keeping its head above water in bankruptcy court -- Hickenlooper could be the one to pull it up from the depths, turning the fried fish house into Long John Hickenlooper's, a restaurant where diners get to watch their favorite fish become the catch of the day. Come on, John, take the bait!

Best Next Job for Jeffco Sheriff John Stone

Time magazine subscription salesman

Hey, if Time magazine could sell Jefferson County Sheriff John Stone a bill of goods, there's no reason why he shouldn't be able to return the favor. Back in the fall of 1999, when it seemed as though the wounds of Columbine might actually start healing, Sheriff Stone got snookered by a Time magazine reporter, who got Stone to pose for an embarrassing photo with the killers' guns -- and also let Time see tapes that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold had made in Harris's basement, tapes that Jeffco hadn't yet shown the victims' families. The magazine used him as a dupe, Stone said. Or was that dope? With a dozen candidates now running for sheriff, almost all of them on Stone's record, the current sheriff should soon have plenty of dialing time.

Best Next Job for Jeffco Sheriff John Stone

Time magazine subscription salesman

Hey, if Time magazine could sell Jefferson County Sheriff John Stone a bill of goods, there's no reason why he shouldn't be able to return the favor. Back in the fall of 1999, when it seemed as though the wounds of Columbine might actually start healing, Sheriff Stone got snookered by a Time magazine reporter, who got Stone to pose for an embarrassing photo with the killers' guns -- and also let Time see tapes that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold had made in Harris's basement, tapes that Jeffco hadn't yet shown the victims' families. The magazine used him as a dupe, Stone said. Or was that dope? With a dozen candidates now running for sheriff, almost all of them on Stone's record, the current sheriff should soon have plenty of dialing time.

Best Next Job for Qwest CEO Joe Nacchio

Qwest customer-service rep

Sorry, wrong number. Coloradans have lots of ideas for what current Qwest CEO Joe Nacchio should do next -- and most can't be published even in this newspaper. But if we really want Jumpin' Joe to feel our pain, a position as a prison janitor, or a checkout clerk for Kmart blue-light specials, or an Arthur Andersen accountant, just isn't bad enough. Much better that he be demoted to Qwest customer service, where he can listen to customer complaints for all eternity without a hold button as an option.

Best Next Job for Qwest CEO Joe Nacchio

Qwest customer-service rep

Sorry, wrong number. Coloradans have lots of ideas for what current Qwest CEO Joe Nacchio should do next -- and most can't be published even in this newspaper. But if we really want Jumpin' Joe to feel our pain, a position as a prison janitor, or a checkout clerk for Kmart blue-light specials, or an Arthur Andersen accountant, just isn't bad enough. Much better that he be demoted to Qwest customer service, where he can listen to customer complaints for all eternity without a hold button as an option.

Best Next Job for House Speaker Doug Dean

Home Depot greeter

When he retires as House Speaker this fall, state representative Doug Dean should have a lock on any future opening Home Depot might have for a greeter. After all, Dean knows how handy the right tools can be. With a screwdriver he just happened to find in his car, for example, he was able to break into his then-fiancée's home last May (reportedly to retrieve his cell phone), netting him lots of embarrassing headlines, a domestic-violence investigation (no charges, though), and, this past fall, a new wife. Ain't love grand?

Best Next Job for House Speaker Doug Dean

Home Depot greeter

When he retires as House Speaker this fall, state representative Doug Dean should have a lock on any future opening Home Depot might have for a greeter. After all, Dean knows how handy the right tools can be. With a screwdriver he just happened to find in his car, for example, he was able to break into his then-fiancée's home last May (reportedly to retrieve his cell phone), netting him lots of embarrassing headlines, a domestic-violence investigation (no charges, though), and, this past fall, a new wife. Ain't love grand?

Best Item Confiscated at DIA

Deer antlers

Since September 11, security screeners at Denver International Airport have confiscated enough scrap metal -- in the form of nail clippers, scissors and letter openers -- to build a 747, and fondled enough underwire bras to get second jobs as mammographers. But according to Denver police officers stationed at DIA, the most suspicious and potentially dangerous item confiscated to date were some deer antlers. What, did they think a terrorist might rut his way into the cockpit? D'oe!

Best Item Confiscated at DIA

Deer antlers

Since September 11, security screeners at Denver International Airport have confiscated enough scrap metal -- in the form of nail clippers, scissors and letter openers -- to build a 747, and fondled enough underwire bras to get second jobs as mammographers. But according to Denver police officers stationed at DIA, the most suspicious and potentially dangerous item confiscated to date were some deer antlers. What, did they think a terrorist might rut his way into the cockpit? D'oe!

Best Mayoral Proclamation

Maggiano's Millionth-Meatball Day
May 10, 2001

It was enough to give you a very bad case of indigestion: There was Denver's mayor, Wellington Webb, performing meatball surgery at Maggiano's, a restaurant in the Denver Pavilions whose home base is in Chicago -- the city that had just stolen Boeing's new headquarters from us. But Webb, our biggest meatball, continued to pour on the sauce: "I offer thanks and congratulations to Maggiano's for their millionth meatball, and best wishes for a million more meatballs!" Yeah, and how about a million more peculiar proclamations -- Bill Stuart Day! Sister Ignatius Day! -- which the mayor's office spews out like an endless strand of spaghetti confetti.

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