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Best Fact About This State to Tout to Conventioneers

Forget the snowpack. Colorado is awash in less ambiguous liquid assets, a fact noted by the American Association for the Advancement of Science when it welcomed 6,000 members to Denver for a convention this year. True, the brainiacs acknowledged, Denver is the most educated city in the U.S., also the "thinnest" city in the "thinnest" state. But what's the most important stat for convention-goers? Colorado produces more beer than any other state.

Best Monument to the Cheeseburger

2776 Speer Blvd.

Smile and say "Cheese." In 1935, Louis Ballas, owner of the Humpty-Dumpty drive-in in northwest Denver, put a slice of cheese on a hot burger, and the rest is history. The world's first "cheeseburger" - a term patented by Ballas -- is honored with a small memorial at 2776 Speer Boulevard, now the parking lot of Key Bank.

Best Monument to the Cheeseburger

2776 Speer Blvd.

Smile and say "Cheese." In 1935, Louis Ballas, owner of the Humpty-Dumpty drive-in in northwest Denver, put a slice of cheese on a hot burger, and the rest is history. The world's first "cheeseburger" - a term patented by Ballas -- is honored with a small memorial at 2776 Speer Boulevard, now the parking lot of Key Bank.

Best Useless Guidebook to Colorado

Colorado: A Silly Guide to the Centennial State

You'll learn things reading Steve Owings's new book, Colorado: A Silly Guide to the Centennial State, that you never imagined. For example, "The city's night life is best viewed from LoDo (lower downtown). Once teeming with vagrants, panhandlers, prostitutes, and abandoned warehouses the area has been rejuvenated with the addition of Coors Field, Starbucks, Planet Hollywood and numerous other attractions designed to separate you from your money just like the panhandlers and prostitutes used to especially since one mocha latte at Starbucks now costs a little more than a night with a hooker." C'mon -- that can't be true! After all, LoDo doesn't have a Planet Hollywood. But Owings's book -- published by Cabin Lake Publishing out of Colorado Springs -- offers dead-on satire on the Centennial State, if no useful information. At all.

Best Useless Guidebook to Colorado

Colorado: A Silly Guide to the Centennial State

You'll learn things reading Steve Owings's new book, Colorado: A Silly Guide to the Centennial State, that you never imagined. For example, "The city's night life is best viewed from LoDo (lower downtown). Once teeming with vagrants, panhandlers, prostitutes, and abandoned warehouses the area has been rejuvenated with the addition of Coors Field, Starbucks, Planet Hollywood and numerous other attractions designed to separate you from your money just like the panhandlers and prostitutes used to especially since one mocha latte at Starbucks now costs a little more than a night with a hooker." C'mon -- that can't be true! After all, LoDo doesn't have a Planet Hollywood. But Owings's book -- published by Cabin Lake Publishing out of Colorado Springs -- offers dead-on satire on the Centennial State, if no useful information. At all.

Best New Job for Wellington Webb

Loft Broker

After selling the city on redevelopment of the Platte Valley, just think how soon-to-be-ex-Denver mayor Wellington E. Webb could excel at unloading all of those unsold lofts now cluttering up the riverfront. When showing prospects the properties, WEW could demonstrate how those high ceilings accommodate even his big shoulders. Closet space for oversized tennis shoes? No problem. Act now, and he'll throw in a Rolodex full of valuable crony contacts with each signed contract.

Best New Job for Wellington Webb

Loft Broker

After selling the city on redevelopment of the Platte Valley, just think how soon-to-be-ex-Denver mayor Wellington E. Webb could excel at unloading all of those unsold lofts now cluttering up the riverfront. When showing prospects the properties, WEW could demonstrate how those high ceilings accommodate even his big shoulders. Closet space for oversized tennis shoes? No problem. Act now, and he'll throw in a Rolodex full of valuable crony contacts with each signed contract.

Best New Job for Wilma Webb

Hostess
Landry's Seafood Restaurant

To further protect the Webb legacy along the Platte, Her First Ladiness needs to come to the aid of the one big clunker in her hubby's redevelopment scheme: the failed Ocean Journey, soon to become a theme park where relatives of your entree swim while you eat. As a gracious greeter, handing out menus and urging patrons to consider the shark du jour, Wilma Webb could help the hungry forget the aquarium's murky history.

Best New Job for Wilma Webb

Hostess
Landry's Seafood Restaurant

To further protect the Webb legacy along the Platte, Her First Ladiness needs to come to the aid of the one big clunker in her hubby's redevelopment scheme: the failed Ocean Journey, soon to become a theme park where relatives of your entree swim while you eat. As a gracious greeter, handing out menus and urging patrons to consider the shark du jour, Wilma Webb could help the hungry forget the aquarium's murky history.

Best New Job for Tracy Baker

Script Writer The Osbournes

The dad's the bleeping prince of darkness, his wife's a bleeping bleep, and the kids are so bleeping out of their bleeping heads, talking such crazy bleep about who's bleeping who in the bleeping bleep.... This kind of high drama, relentless passion and utter clarity deserves the high-minded poetry and incisive sentiment of moonstruck Arapahoe County Clerk Tracy Baker, whose bleeping electronic messages to his bleeping deputy are currently the subject of a court battle.

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