Dear Stoner: What Is Bat Guano?

Dear Stoner: I was at my neighborhood stoner store recently and noticed an ingredient I was not familiar with: bat guano. What is that?
L.L. Pot Seed

Dear L.L.: The answer is poop. Bat poop, specifically. While bats may be disease-carrying flying rats with poor eyesight, their excrement is like the superpoop of the animal-poop world. Not only can it be used to make gunpowder due to its high nitrogen content, but it can also grow super-tasty, fat, ripe buds. For organic growers who are trying hard to steer clear of heavy metals and petrochemicals in their buds, guano is the choice. Guano is relatively naturally balanced, with appropriate levels of nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium — three key elements for growing that good growers keep tabs on at all times. Interestingly, guano from different regions of the world has different nutritional qualities based on the diet of the bats. For example, growers will use Mexican bat guano high in nitrogen for the veg cycle and bat guano from Pacific island countries for flowering. It’s also easy to work with: Simply dissolve the poop in hot water, let it cool, then feed it to your little ladies as recommended on the container. Some (including this stoner) would go so far as to say that bat guano is the best fertilizer to use, as it’s natural and doesn’t leave behind any chem-y flavors in the bud is flushed properly.

Dearest Stoner: I recently received my medical marijuana card, and accordingly, I am allowed to grow a certain number of plants. However, my living situation is not suitable for doing so. Is there anyone/a business that will grow my plants for me?
HelpMeGrow

Dear HelpMeGrow: If you can’t grow for yourself, you can have a caregiver grow for you, or you can sign up with a dispensary and it can grow six plants for you. Neither option is usually “free”; you’ll most likely have to compensate your caregiver for time, supplies and effort, and dispensaries charge for the bud they sell, even if it is grown in your name (though many offer member discounts that should bring the cost of cannabis down enough to make it worth your while). Warehouse spaces that rent out rooms to private growers exist, though in Denver they might not exist for much longer — at least not at a workable size. Denver City Council just approved a 36-plant limit on “non-residential” grows that includes both recreational co-op grows and MMJ grows. The Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment keeps a (small) list of available caregivers, but we suggest forums like ICMag.com or even Craigslist to see if you can find a private grower to help you out.