This past baseball season, I wrote "Taco Bell Giveaway a Dinger," yet another in a seemingly unending chain of hard-hitting, What's So Funny exposé pieces, which got all up in the guts of a Taco Bell promotion promising four tacos for a dollar from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. the day after your Colorado Rockies scored seven runs or more. In that two-hour span, I was able to hit up seven Taco Bell locations, netting 28 tacos in the process. And I was also able to learn several things:
1. You actually have to pay more than a dollar. With tax, the total comes to $1.08.
2. The deal was wildly popular. Nearly every Taco Bell I frequented, especially getting on towards 6 in the p.m., had lines snaking around the drive-through, as legions of fat Americans queued for their tacotunity.
3. The Taco Bell employees resented the hell out of the deal, as it turned their place of underpaid employment into an absolute mob scene. I had to figure that this bad attitude trickled down from corporate overlords. Because so many people were taking advantage of the offer, they were probably losing money.
Enter Nuggets season. And a shitty economy.
A new promotion now offers three tacos for a dollar the day after your Denver Nuggets score 103 points or more. Way to go, Taco Bell, you cheap, fake-meat-made-from-powder-peddling bastards. Because not only has the number of tacos been reduced to three this time around, but Taco Bell is also demanding that you purchase a drink with the deal as well, presumably so you can attach the straw to your feeding tube in order to better facilitate the wholesale inhalation of Dr. Pepper into your burgeoning carcass. Also, the deal now lasts from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. the following day. That cuts out the last hour of dinner rush, when people are no doubt on their way home from work and desperately need cheap tacos for their fat children in these economically chaotic times.
You call that a fucking deal, Taco Bell? You really think our memories are that short? We may be in the middle of a fiscal meltdown, but that doesn't mean we're blind. We sports fans/shitty food patrons can still see that you are no F.D.R, Taco Bell. For though your deal may be new, it is certainly no New Deal.
Obama, get on this injustice. -- Adam Cayton-Holland
