If I know my fans (and I think I do), I’ll bet that every single one of you -- Democrat, Republican or Independent, naturalized citizen or space alien here on those secret intergalactic visas given out by NASA -- wants to know what you can do to help the candidate of your choice in this election season. I’ll also bet that, like me, you are either very, very lazy or cripplingly shy or perhaps have some kind of offensive forehead tattoo that makes you a less-than-ideal candidate for going door-to-door canvassing in your neighborhood.
And yet, you’re still wondering what you -- one small, tiny, pathetically insignificant person -- might be able to do to affect the outcome of the coming election.
Personally, I have been training my army of atomic supermonkeys (or ubermonken, who once served as my private monkey butlers at the secret mountaintop compound where Bite Me World HQ is located) to identify by smell any Republican and attack them viciously in the streets using their little silver-plate serving trays and cocktail shakers.
What does a Republican smell like, exactly, you might ask?
Money. Lots and lots of money.
My plan is to release my army of atomic monkeys on election day so that they might sow disorder among the ranks of McCain supporters, who (if my intelligence is correct) plan to go to the polls protected by swarms of falcons specially bred to hate the color blue. I am currently hard at work designing a very small helicopter simple enough to be piloted by a monkey in order to take the fight directly to the Republican falcon swarms, but am worried that I won’t be finished in time. Thus, I have recently been considering some other things that you, the man in the street without an army of atomic supermonkeys at his disposal, can do to help the cause.
What I came up with was this: for those too shy, too lazy or too forehead-tattooed to work directly with the public (or even over the phone because of multiple tongue-piercings), food is the answer. More specifically, you can help by volunteering to feed those other volunteers working the phones, distributing lawn signs or working to develop other anti-falcon technologies at Obama campaign offices all over the state.
These people need to be fed. And it has been my experience (okay, my wife’s experience) that the campaign volunteers are touchingly grateful for virtually any scrap or crumb of food thrown their way. Seriously? I’ve never seen anyone get so emotional over a crudite tray in my life. And if you bring them a pizza, you’ve got a pretty good shot at being appointed to a cabinet position come November. Especially if your forehead tattoo says something mean about Toby Keith or nice about universal health care.
Last week I made calls to a few of the local campaign offices to see what, exactly, it is that Democratic volunteers eat. (For those of you looking to feed Republican volunteers, I have it on good authority that McCain’s people eat only raw red meat poked through the door with a stick and wash it down with gigantic golden flagons filled with light sweet crude.) The results are as follows:
Denver volunteer headquarters, 1355 South Colorado Boulevard: I got Lucille on the phone and asked – best-case scenario -- what she’d like to see delivered for her people. “Absolutely anything!” she said. “Real food would be great.” Because, apparently, people (no doubt Nader operatives) have been delivering fake food so as to crush the morale of the volunteers. Lucille told me that food you can eat with your hands would be particularly great. Whole roasted pigs and gigantic turkey dinners? Probably too much, because it’s tough to eat a whole pig while on the phone. Also, many of her people are vegetarians. When I suggested that the hungry carnivores simply eat the vegetarian staff members, she didn’t find it funny at all.
West Denver office, 999 Bannock Street: Refused to talk to me. Probably because I introduced myself as a reporter. It being election season, I wouldn’t trust a reporter, either. Even one as charming as me.
Douglas County office, 10941 South Parker Road, Parker: Introduced myself as H.L Mencken, regular citizen. Was informed by a young girl that she would like cheeseburgers and pizza, but that, again, many of the volunteers were vegetarians. Also, one guy was allergic to tomatoes, thereby losing Obama the critical Tomato Farmers of America vote.
Five Points office, 2736 Welton Street: Was told that people had been bringing in pizzas and fruit from their yards, which was very much appreciated. Then heard someone in the background shrieking, “Strawberries!” over and over again. Obviously, the Five Points volunteers are suffering from scurvy.
Boulder office, 1904 Pearl Street: If this week’s review of Tahona is any indication, the people of Boulder are apparently crazy for really shitty tacos and raw eggs. But volunteer Chloe told me that they’ve been getting a lot of cookies, and would also like some real food. Nader strikes again! The phone was then taken from Chloe and I was told that I should contact the communications office at the Obama state headquarters with any questions. Then I was hung up on.
My thinking? The people in the communications office are probably already pretty well-fed. These would be people with communications or poli-sci degrees from Ivy League colleges and therefore already very experienced at mooching free dinners and drinks off others.
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I called a few more offices and basically got the same thing from all of them: Their people are hungry, they’re very grateful for everything that people have been bringing in already, but everyone is getting a little tired of cookies and junk food, and most of the offices are infested by vegetarians who will not be used as food no matter how desperate the situation becomes. Which, in my opinion, is why the Obama campaign is in trouble: an unwillingness to resort to cannibalism. McCain? Eats one vegetarian a day, even when he’s not hungry, because he’s been told that doing so will grant him the magical ability to speak with animals and (one must assume) convince them to vote Republican.
And don’t even get me started on Sarah Palin.
In all seriousness, though, the one thing I heard from every office is that they’ve got a lot of people to feed and not enough food to do it. So you want to help? Then put on those gastronaut thinking caps, consider what local restaurants you love, what chefs you know, what houses you’re friendly with, and start making some phone calls. In this shitty economy, restaurants are suffering big-time. In this election season, the folks trying to make things better are hungry. So why not kill two birds with one stone: buy some restaurant grub and bring it to your friendly neighborhood campaign workers.
But remember to keep a couple of those stones handy for election day, when the falcons will be on the wing…-- Jason Sheehan