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Best Invention Ever: The Red Bull of beef jerky

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Technology put a man on the moon. It's allowed us to see distant stars, to unravel the mysteries of the universe and to get free porn at any hour of day or night. And now, to those lofty achievements, we can add one even loftier: energy jerky.

That's right, it's the beef jerky you know and love, now with added kick courtesy of some mysterious technological process that involves guarana and, we assume, some kind of mad-science laboratory full of bubbling beakers and Tesla coils. The result is a (presumably) tasty beef snack with a whopping 150 mg of caffeine in every two-ounce package, which puts it in the top range for a cup of coffee, or roughly two cans of Red Bull. The geniuses who came up with this are a Denver company who go by the name of Performance Enhancing Meat Snacks Company, which has to be one of the best company names ever conceived. And until someone figures out a way to create bacocaine (you know, bacon with cocaine built in), it's undoubtedly in possession of the best meat/drug combo available to man.

You can find this awesome substance at www.perkyjerky.com for $4.99 a package. We may never get the food pills and nutrient capsules we were promised for years in bad science fiction, but once again reality has brought us something even better: Still waiting for my jet pack, though.

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.

 

Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.