Q: I love to drink, but for some odd reason, both my friends and society at large want to hold me responsible for my actions. For example, while at Govnr's Park this past weekend, my girlfriend caught me staring at the breasts of one of the other women there. How do I explain to her that she is way off-base threatening to never have sex with me again?
Dr. Etiquette: Guys often need to defend their behavior (and possibly their bodily appendages) at the bar when women are present. Women need to accept that guys cannot help themselves: We have built-in radar that not only can spot bosoms over the horizon, but is capable of targeting up to six separate pairs of breasts independently, much like the new F-22 fighter.
More important, one of the senior researchers here at the institute has pioneered a new concept in irresponsibility. According to the small print on signage at many bars or in the law books, bars have a responsibility to protect their clients by not slinging drinks once a patron can't keep his eyes open. Therefore, remember that when you're facing recriminations for ogling other women or throwing up on your date's shoes, YOU didn't drink too much; you were over-served by the bar.
By the way, several of us from the institute were at Govnr's Park, and whoa! We don't blame you for looking!
Q: Amazingly, I was at Govnr's Park drinking with several of my friends the other night, too. Those two-for-one beers can pile up pretty quickly when several people buy. When is the appropriate time to order the next round?
Dr. Etiquette: Here at the institute, we are firm believers that there are no stupid questions. We take all queries seriously and apply all of our professional acumen to concocting an answer that is devoid of facts and irresponsible, but at the same time deserving of a cheap laugh. That said, this has got to be one of the most asinine queries we've ever received. If we didn't know better, we'd conclude that this came from a woman, or a "man" who knows how to "pace" himself while drinking. Any guy knows that the next round can be bought at any time. The only determining factor is how much beer remains in all of the glasses on the table: Anything greater than half a glass mandates that the buyer of the next round make inappropriate comments to his co-drinkers regarding "nursing" or "taking their skirts off."
Q: I know the rule "beer then liquor never sicker," but after twelve beers, I don't care anymore. What can I do?
Dr. Etiquette: Researchers suggest you avoid asking for hard liquor by name in order to fool your liver into thinking that you're still drinking Guinness. For example, don't ask for a rum and Coke. Your already-riddled liver will be easily duped if you instead add a lime and ask for a Cuba Libre.
Q: Is it ever okay to look at another guy while at the urinal?
Dr. Etiquette: I don't care if the other guy there is your son who is being potty-trained; you NEVER attempt direct eye contact in the bathroom. Dr. Etiquette himself was appalled by what happened when he was relieving himself at Govnr's Park this past weekend. Some guy not only parked at the urinal next to him (when others were open), but he also tried to engage the Good Doctor in conversation. Dr. Etiquette really didn't care if this conversation might include some crucial piece of information like the World Series score; eyes must be caged forward in all cases. Another point of guy bathroom etiquette: There should always be a buffer of at least one empty urinal between individual guys. If there are three urinals, the middle one should be open AT ALL TIMES. If the two end urinals are taken, the enclosed stall, despite hosting man-eating bacteria, should be used.
Q: After I had several too many beers the other night, my girlfriend poured me into a cab with herself and one of her friends. On the ride home, I started propositioning my girlfriend's friend with a combination of roaming hands and ear-nibbling. Was that a good idea?
Dr. Etiquette:Only if you thought there was a realistic chance your girlfriend would join in.
Q: Well, she didn't, and I am currently sleeping in a tent in my back yard. How do I get out of this situation?
Dr. Etiquette: Prepare a nice dinner, maybe some flowers, a nice bottle of wine, then sit your girlfriend down and tell her sincerely: "It wasn't my fault. I was over-served."
