Feelin' Froggy

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Sometimes it seems like Bite Me World HQ is all about the esoteric discussion of cassoulet, coq au vin and the perils of foie gras production (those ducks and geese can get pissed, and they stand just about crotch-high). I've written about crepes (see my review of Crepes 'n Crepes), cuisine haute (at Restaurant Kevin Taylor, the Palace Arms and elsewhere), cuisine basse (my favorite, especially as practiced at places like Le Central or Z Cuisine) and cuisine merde (Brasserie Ten Ten, in particular). But there's one area of French gastronomy that doesn't get a lot of play in these pages: pastry.

There are a couple of reasons for this. First, I don't know a lot about the gentle arts of the chef pâtissier. I wish I did. Had I been able to bake a loaf of bread, pull a little sugar, melt chocolate without breaking it or tell the difference between chantilly and pastry creams, my experiences in the kitchen might have been different. But I was wired for the hot line — as a station chef, and not a terribly creative one at that, with much more of Vatel than Careme in me.

Marie Antonin Careme was a patissier (he made Napoleon's wedding cake), a genius, a workaholic and a nut. Not only did he cook for kings and write some of the most influential cookbooks of his time, but — like Emeril or Rachael Ray — he redesigned (and put his name on) pots and pans, planned kitchens and even formalized what today is the standard chef's uniform of white double-breasted jacket, checked pants and toque. He was firmly of the opinion that, as with the stripes and stars on military uniforms, a commanding officer (read: executive chef) ought to be immediately recognizable in the midst of the kitchen melee, and therefore argued that a chef's seniority ought to be reflected in the size of his toque. Careme's dress toque? Eighteen inches tall — rising up off his head like a monument to egotism and weird brilliance. He was the world's first celebrity chef (no matter how much Marco Pierre White may lobby for the title) and cut the groove that everyone else would follow hundreds of years later.


Marie Antonin Careme

As for Francois Vatel, other than inventing chantilly cream (at a party for Louis XIV held at the Chateau de Chantilly, natch), he was primarily a banquet chef and known most widely for his perfectionism, his obsessive-compulsiveness and the fact that he killed himself (by falling on a sword, no less) over a late fish delivery. In fact, Vatel popped his own cork in the middle of the same banquet for which he invented chantilly cream, which is the only part of his story I take issue with.

Buddy, you were a motherfucking chef. And a chef doesn't abandon his troops in the middle of dinner when things start going sideways. A chef cowboys up, shifts the fish course back, fills with chicken, then pulls out his gold card and sends one of his junior poissonardes out to the medieval Piggly Wiggly to buy them out of anything that swims. A little aspic, some fancy garnishing, and the king is none the wiser. Then, only when all is said and done — the troops paid off, the galley broken down, everyone on their way home — does a chef put away a bottle of absinthe and eat a musket ball.

History does not record who stepped into Vatel's shoes and saw the banquet through to its finish, what miserable sous or chef de partie got saddled with the duty of informing the staff that "Le chef est mort," then stepped up and ran the kitchen for the rest of the night. But I actually have a lot in common with that guy (whoever he was), too, because I've had that conversation: "Sorry, guys. Chef just called from the police station. He got drunk last night, went up on the roof and passed out. This morning, the cops had to come and get him down after his neighbor blew him in for pissing into his azalea bushes from the roof, so it looks like I'm running the show tonight."

The other reason I don't write a lot about French bakeries is that they're not good review subjects. There's not a lot of action, nowhere to sit and watch the flow of a night's service. For that matter, good bakeries do the bulk of their business between eight and eleven in the morning — hours when I am either asleep or sitting hung over on the couch in my underpants wondering exactly what I did the night before that caused me to come home with four pairs of sunglasses and $400 worth of credit-card receipts for porn and barbecue.

Still, once in a while I manage to get out of the house at a reasonably early hour. Sometimes it's for pancakes, sometimes for crepes. And last week, with the Best of Denver 2008 looming, I made the rounds of a few French bakeries. In Aurora, I stopped by Daniel's of Paris (12253 East Iliff Avenue) for fruit tarts and petits fours. Daniel's focuses on cakes, but the petits fours are really just smaller versions of their larger pièce montées — a sort of catch-as-catch-can assortment of genoise, ganache and meringues. I got out the door with a slice of delicious cherry tart and a murderously rich chocolate something-or-other, spiked with espresso and so dark that light couldn't escape. A few minutes away, at 2832 South Havana Street, is Katherine's French Bakery — a bright and sunny little space with a couple of tables and a menu that makes Katherine's more like a pastry-heavy cafe than a stand-alone bakery, with quiches, sandwiches, scratch soups and coffee. But I usually skip all of that in favor of the bakery cases — rows and rows of cakes, tarts, cookies and a delicious croissant aux amandes — that remain pretty well stocked well into the afternoon. Chef Mario Arrua came to Denver by way of Argentina and Miami; owner Katherine Keeley Pappas went the old-fashioned route, apprenticing herself to a French baker, then running off to Martigues, France, where she worked under French, Spanish and Algerian chefs in a Provençal patisserie-boulangerie.

At Les Delices de Paris (5303 Leets-dale Drive), owners Alexandre and Christelle Donat wear their experience on their sleeves. Well, on the walls, really, which are filled with diplomas and certificates from French pastry schools. But no paperwork is necessary, because the smells in this place are proof enough. Les Delices does an almond croissant that's even better than Katherine's — a huge thing, impossibly light and buttery, topped with crunchy almond slivers and filled with the most remarkable almond paste I've ever tasted. At Les Delices, Laura and I will actually fight over who gets the bigger half of the éclair. The last time I brought home a box of pastries from here, Laura pretended like she didn't care — and then, when I had to step out for something (cigarettes or sandwiches, I can't remember), she tore into it and ate all but one tiny bite of the citron tart, the best single pastry in the Les Delices arsenal. I'm pretty sure she still had crumbs on her face when I came home.

Unfortunately, we're not the only ones to have discovered Les Delices. By the time I fight my way through the horrible parking lot, I often find most of the bakery cases almost completely empty. It's been months since I was able to buy a loaf of bread there.

I like Trompeau Bakery, at 1729 East Evans, for one big reason and about a hundred small ones. The big reason is the owner, Pascal Trompeau, who seems to eat, sleep and live here. There's something about him that flips my crazy-Zen-baking-monk switch; he has the obsessive dedication that's always been what I've found most attractive about bakers. And the hundred of small reasons I like Trompeau are, of course, every single thing that Pascal makes.

Leftovers: I would bet that Boulder's fathers voted to ban smoking about five minutes after the city was founded — which is strange, because Boulder is liberal in so many other ways. I mean, I could walk down the street with no pants on, completely gone on blotter, trying to collect signatures for my petition to have trees legally declared sentient beings, and no one would bat an eye. But if I were to light up a cigarette while doing it? Jesus, people would chase me out of town with sticks.

And yet, even in the midst of all this institutionalized discrimination, one joint has decided to stand up, jump through all the necessary legal hoops and offer degenerate tobacco lovers like me a place to get our fix in peace: Fuller's Griffin Cigar Bar is scheduled to open on March 7, inside the Millennium Harvest House, at 1345 28th Street. "Fuller's Griffin provides the perfect environment to relax and privately enjoy what is elsewhere forbidden," says Ken Wallace, the hotel's F&B director.

Ooh, I like the sound of that. What's more, Wallace is right. Currently, there's is not a single establishment in all of Boulder County where you can (legally) light up. Next month, there will be exactly one: Fuller's Griffin.

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