Customers are very fortunate to have fast-food chains that offer adequate -- if not 100 percent nutritious or gourmet -- breakfast menus for those days when flipping pancakes or cracking eggs at home isn't time-efficient. And fast-food patrons are also fortunate that not every chain offers breakfast items, since more than a few chains can't manage to do lunch or dinner without screwing them up...and the first and most important meal of the day should at least be edible and filling, if not tasty and energizing.
Here are five fast-food chains that should NOT serve breakfast. You can't rise and shine with a stomach full of awful.
See also: - Five fast-food trend fails of 2012 -- including the ruination of bacon! - Five discontinued fast-food items I want back - The fifteen most popular fast-food chains -- and why some don't matter
5. Arby's Arby's motto is "Slicing up freshness." But the "freshness" that Arby's is cooking up on its breakfast menu these days includes biscuits that are stale on a good day and concrete on a bad one, bacon that is never really chewy or crispy, and eggs that taste like the grease leavings at the bottom of a Folger's can sitting on someone's stove.
And Arby's "outside-in cinnamon bites," ostensibly the breakfast menu's golden coin, are more like the dirty penny. They look like reheated frozen pizza rolls stuffed with what Arby's says is cinnamon cream cheese, but feels and tastes more like hot, slimy, white cake frosting.
Freshness? Arby's special new breakfast slogan should be, "If this is the only breakfast option in a twenty-mile radius, maybe start that starvation diet early."
4. Quizno's The breakfast menu at Quizno's is based on the oh-so-incredibly-over flatbread trend, littered like a cat box with flatbread sandwich/wrappy things with fluffy but tasteless egg patties; bacon that is either chopped or just so thin it falls apart into crumpled piles; really, really greasy, over-salted sausage rounds; and way too much waxy, half-melted processed cheese food product.
Quizno's regular menu items are sub-par enough -- we don't need bad breakfast, too.
3. Subway The current fruckus over the actual measurements of Subway's foot-long sandwiches aside (are they eleven inches? Eleven and a half? Pinch an inch?), Subway's sandwich menu is inexpensive and ju-u-u-st interesting enough with those rotating specials to appeal to a wide variety of customers, and its off-again, on-again hot pizza sub should be included on a list of this century's most delicious culinary inventions. But then the sandwich squad decided to taint the pool by introducing some cringe-worthy ideas on how to reach the fast-food breakfast-eating demographic.
Subway's luncheon meats are admittedly not the best quality when they are served cold on bread with mustard, but they become practically vile when heated and paired with everyone's favorite breakfast food -- strips of egg, whites-only. Adding not quite sautéed but not raw green pepper slices and under-ripe tomatoes to everything does jack and shit for flavor or texture. The signature steak, egg and cheese breakfast sandwich is made with the same below-Steak-Ums quality "beef" ribbons used on the regular hot subs -- but with none of the high-calorie trappings that make the sandwich more palatable. And therein lies the real problem with Subway's breakfast menu: If you have to add unhealthy things like wing sauce, ranch or extra cheese to make the sammies taste better, then eating Subway's breakfast doesn't do you much good in the health department.
2. Taco Bell It's downright astounding how Taco Bell can manage to produce such delicious, addictive regular menu items like those damn Doritos Locos tacos and then throw down some of the absolute worst breakfast items that fast food has to offer. I was genuinely surprised to find that the Bell's breakfast burritos were dry, tasteless and boring, since the regular menu burritos are anything but, and the breakfast cinnamons are little more than fried dough balls with sugar and a side of icing -- too lacking in nutrition to be healthy, and not tasty enough to be popular.
And Mountain Dew a.m.? Really?! Like that greenish pee water wasn't flat enough already, without dumping orange juice in it.
I have a real fondness for the chain and its past and present lunch/dinner/fourthmeal menus, so I'm hoping that if we all ignore the breakfast menu and pretend it never happened, then maybe Taco Bell will try again and create some a.m. fare that actually rings bells.
1. Kentucky Fried Chicken We, the fast-food consumer base, are supremely lucky that Kentucky Fried Chicken only serves lunch and dinnertime fried chicken -- because if the top brass of this chicken-fried-chicken chain ever decide to subject us all to their presumptive machinations of morning food creativity, I imagine that there would be pestilence, strife and suffering throughout the land -- remember the double down sandwich and all the crap they got for that?
KFC should stick to what it's good at: working the grease fryers and staying far, far away from morning repasts. If selling a fried chicken patty-bun sandwich with bacon and cheese is the best innovation it can come up with for lunch, adding eggs wouldn't exactly revolutionize the fast-food breakfast market.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.