New food and drink products lately have been some next-next-level bizarre, like whale testicle beer, 3-D printed desserts and bacon spread, but there have been some new edibles and drinkables that have blasted right out of the envelope, like the stratospheric awesomeness that is the cereal café. And have you seen the nacho cheese fountain hack? Holy bologna, just when you think there is nothing else in the foodiverse that could be any zanier, we get served boozed Oreos and Cheetos-crusted macaroni and cheese doughnuts.
Here are five new foods and drinks that might break the foodiverse. If any of these give you brain-scares, just watch the vid clip with the tiny breakfast and you'll be a'ight again.
5) Food truck Pringles
With the rise, peak, then decline of the food truck comes the years of fallout, including -- but not limited to -- terrible snack foods aping the once-great food truck appeal. In the worst ways possible. Such as taking two of the least creative, most predictable, thoroughly uninteresting food truck offerings and torturing them into Pringles flavors. Yep -- Pringles now makes chicken taco and cheeseburger chips, for a limited time. It's a pity the new Pringles aren't limited to being available for never, because the company is so fucking far behind the times with everything they introduce.
They may as well buy a fleet of DeLoreans, travel back in time and roll out some new flavors like liver & onions, Jell-o mold, pot roast and fish stick.
4. The strawberry cheesecake Frappucino at Starbucks
Starbucks makes a far worse drug for suburban white folks and basic bitches than Vicodin, Ugg boots and Nutella combined. When word got out that Buckies was releasing a new frozen drink in Australia only (because the people who helm the S.S. Starbucks are sadistic a-holes) I was all "whatever" -- until I peeped the picture of the Strawberry Cheesecake Frappuccino. Then I was trapped in a hellish hell of lust, and the only cure will be getting these enchanted plastic cups filled with addiction here in the U.S. sooner than now.
Damn you, Starbucks, American deserves this blend of frozen ice creamy cheesecake-syrup stuff, strawberry puree, and little buttery cookie crumblies -- NOW!
3. Jack's enchilada taco
Speaking of fresh hells, a bunch of people said that they would just love to drive to their nearest Jack in the Box and order a bunch of tacos and eat them. Just playin' -- nobody has ever said that. Sober, anyway. When JitB announced the birth of the "Enchilada Monster Taco," I didn't know whether to curl up in a ball or head straight for the nearest Jack's. After the shock wore off, I had questions. Is this new taco even a fraction as horrendous as the regular taco? Does it have the slice of not-melted American cheese in it, too? Does Jesus know that Satan left the pit long enough to become CEO at Jack's?
I will probably try this taco, because I have zero fear of death and mental issues that require me to eat all tacos, no matter how hideous they are.
For more foodiverse-breaking new things, read on.
2. The water cake
The internet was about to fracture over the speed that this new dessert got swished around through it. Leave it to the Japanese to concoct something called a water cake. It gets points for originality, points for creativity, and more points for ease of cleanup. The water cake is a clear, jelly-ous squiggle of mocha served with sugar syrup and soybean flour for some reason, but that's not even the trippy characteristic. If you don't eat this in 30 minutes or less, it disappears. It...just...goes...away....
If only dates worked like this, there would be no reason for anyone to ever be unhappy on a weekend night.
1. The Double Down Dog
And with KFC's latest creation, the Internet broke. That time Facebook went down for an hour? I blame the new Double Down Dog that KFC released in the Philippines. That's right: just when you thought food couldn't get any sicker than the last double down thinger, the deep-fryer czars at Kentucky Fried Chicken took a hot dog, rammed it into a pocket of chicken-fried chicken shaped like a bun, and slathered the whole deal in a pickle-pocked mayo-ish sauce -- which they are actually selling as food for humans. We all joked about nothing being more unbelievably disgusting than the original double down. When jokes quit being jokey and turn into real shit, we are all to blame -- we showed just a little too much enthusiasm the first time around.
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And the absolute, dead-ass, complete, entire worst part of the Double Down Dog? The knowledge that it will be modified to somehow include cheese, bacon and gravy, and be introduced here, where the scale of gluttony far surpasses anything the Philippines could imagine.