Cafe Society

Five reasons why you should buy your coffee at Starbucks

Starbucks' outspoken support of same-sex marriage prompted the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) to create an international campaign to "Dump Starbucks," an attempt to persuade people to stop buying coffee from Starbucks because, according to itsDump Starbucks website, "it has taken a corporate-wide position that the definition of marriage between one man and one woman should be eliminated and that same-sex marriage should become equally 'normal'. As such, has deeply offended at least half its US customers, and the vast majority of its international customers."

Although it's not clear from the website exactly how the same-sex marriage opponents added up the numbers in that statement, one thing is glaringly obvious: going without Starbucks is really just too much to ask of people. And so, in the interest of "request denied," here are five reasons why you should buy your coffee at Starbucks -- hold the decaf.

5. So much nice for the price.

Starbucks employees are nice. They are so incredibly nice that they make Taylor Swift look like an angry, Silverback gorilla. They have insanely large, teeth-included smiles for every customer at hours of the morning that Jesus himself wouldn't be awake for; they are hopping and skipping around like caffeinated bunnies in the afternoon; and in the evenings they dance around the espresso machines like meth-elves, competing over whose turn it is to froth the milk. Sure, Buckies' coffee costs a bit more than making a pot at home, but it's worth it to have at least a couple of people a day be nice to you -- it may be the only time that happens.

4. Salumi & Cheese, if you please.

As if coffee and niceness wasn't enough, Starbucks has food, too. Rather good food, in fact, and although its breakfast sandwiches could use a bit more fat and a few more calories to make them less dry and carboard-y, the bistro boxes are filled with lunchtime-anytime goodies like grilled chicken, hummus and pita, Brie, roasted almonds, fresh fruit and vegetables, dark chocolate bits. And Starbucks even has a box with prosciutto, peppered and dry salami, Asiago cheese, rustic crackers and olives. How's that for fast food that doesn't require a heartburn pill or ketchup packets?3. The Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino.

This is the drink of champions, all year round, and whether you have to study all night for a Russian Lit exam, sit through traffic court or harvest several bushels of winter wheat, you can be assured that after throwing one of these drinks back, you'll be hyper enough to do all those things -- and probably want to beat your chest like Tarzan with both hands afterwards.

2. Getting mugged.

Starbucks has the greatest beverage mugs ever constructed. It's possible that these to-go mugs are created from alien technology-based metals that are also used in intergalactic spaceship construction, because you can run over a Starbucks mug with a Dodge Magnum and its physical structure and composition will not change. The latest, greatest thermal beverage container even has a small, green rubber ball stopper on it, making it the first coffee mug to utilize ball-gag technology.1. Because their support for same-sex marriages improves the ambiance at the stores.

Who wants to drink their morning coffee at a Starbucks full of right-wing, bible-whacking, Santorum-suckling, backwards-thinking, anachronistic, bigoted, repressive jackasses? Luckily, since this boycott, nobody has to.

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Jenn Wohletz
Contact: Jenn Wohletz

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