Tattoos have risen in popularity over the years as a permanent form of self-expression -- a branding of time and history -- but devotion and proclamation no longer stop at inking the name of your betrothed on your bicep. And just in case you haven't noticed, the food industry is hardly immune to the ink craze. If you haven't seen the slammer-style "foie gras" tattoo on the knuckles of Vesta Dipping Grill/Steuben's executive chef, Matt Selby, it's worth the price of admission. And Deanna Parker, wife of Table 6 chef Scott Parker, is inked with a glorious stick of butter flying toward a stack of pancakes.
But most tats aren't nearly that stellar. In fact, there's a whole lot of horrific gastroink out there. Here's proof:
5. The Kool-Aid Man Sure, Kool-Aid was pretty awesome -- if you doubled the sugar in the recipe and added vodka to it. But of all the drinks from the '80s you could choose to immortalize on your body (even if you didn't like it, which seems to be the case here), wouldn't you pick Tang? 4. The Hot Dog Belly This wouldn't be nearly as traumatizing if we could just get over the preponderance of stomach hair. 3. The Crapping Cupcake There absolutely, positively has to be a fantastic story behind this. Why else would you demoralize your body with such hideousness? 2. Popeye's Gut The gross-out factor is astronomical. It's the Popeye's Chicken logo (hurl), but what is really says is, "If you were planning on having sex with me, you should stop right there." 1. The Worst Bacon Tattoo EVER So you decided to get a bacon tattoo. That's pretty great, because bacon is one of God's gifts. But maybe next time you should find a tattoo artist that has a sliver of talent, because this is an injustice to every pig on the planet.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.