As long as there are people out there who will spend money on irrationally thought-out foods and beverages, there will continue to be brand-new edible horror shows created and sold, every day, until the end of all time. We the loyal foodie army of consumers do happen to luck out and get some splendid eats here and there (thank you, Trader Joe’s, for setting a good example) but it reeeeeally seems like for every good new product we see, there are ten evil ones surrounding it. These last few weeks have produced some decent creations like the churro dog, the meatloaf wedding cake, thin mint cookie ice cream sandwiches and some seasonal pints from Haagen-Dazs.
But concentrated evil still lurks on the shelves; and here are five mostly terrible new foods and drinks. Prepare yourselves for double milk of death, something you should never deep-fry, Jack Daniel’s being grosser than usual, and Trader Joe’s saving the day, yet again.
5) Jack Daniel’s cinnamon whiskey
Look out, all lovers of Fireball cinnamon whiskey, because your bestie college dormroom buddies over at Jack Daniel’s just threw down a challenge that will have redneck bars and trailer-park parties everywhere getting all fired up. Jack Daniel’s new Tennessee Fire whiskey now joins the parade of sweet and/or spiced whiskeys guaranteed to make every hoedown and shindig memorable. Now the tractor-pull and NASCAR set will have something to do with that flat, two-liter bottle of root beer: A few glugs of Cinammon Jack makes for some mobile-home mixology.
Better yet, please switch to good bourbon and stay there. Your whole life will thank you for it.
4) Trader Joe’s partially popped popcorn
If you're the type who roots around at the bottom of the popcorn bag or bowl for those semi-popped kernels that are crunchy like corn nuts while avoiding the real tooth-breaking unpopped suckers, thank Trader Joe’s for making damn sure that we have a new fresh, uplifting, much-anticipated and delicious food product to help wash out the bastard stain of every other horrendous edible thing that has come out in the last few weeks. TJ’s just introduced something they should have rolled out years ago: entire bags of Partially Popped Popcorn. It should make you a little teary that Trader Joe’s brain-people cared enough about the preservation of humanity to create something this delicious from a tossed-away remnant — and they even slathered them with butter and sea salt. This is a real time-saver from having to perform microwaveus-interruptus to get the par-popped kernels we want.
Thank you again, Trader Joe’s; we are all awaiting your next move on the snack scene — hopefully with cookie butter somehow involved.
3) Deep-Fried Cadbury Creme Eggs
It’s the easy way out to just sit back and imagine that there is no kind of snack that should not be battered and deep fried. State fairs across this fine nation have shown us that there are things which, when consciously coupled with batter and hot oil, make life worth living — like cheese curds, hot dogs, and pancake ooze shot through a funnel. But when you take something as holiday-iconic and delicately filled as a Cadbury Creme Egg and torture it into the form of a doughnut hole, there should be some sort of societal checks and balances. No — please no. Our Easter eggs don’t need to be scrambled into a fractured fairy tale and coated with powdered sugar.
Seriously, these deep-fried treat eggs look disgusting, with over-cooked wonton wrappers sweating out flesh-colored paste. If want a deep-fried egg, stick with the only marginally ridiculous sausage-clad Scottish variety.
2) TruMoo Green Milk
I heard that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, strawberry milk comes from cows that live in Vermont, and skim milk comes from skinny cows wearing yoga pants, but what kind of cows give green milk? Answer: the scary, sick, insane, Frankencows that work for TruMoo. TruMoo, if you’ll recall, were the makers of the Halloween creamcicle-tainted moo juice, and since it was possible to outdo that appalling brew, the new St. Patty’s day green-tinted, vanilla-mint milk has upped the ante. It’s difficult to envision anything being more repulsive and distasteful than gulping on minty green milk, unless you work in the lab where this stuff is concocted and you've already moved on to even more horrifying color-flavor combos.
There is just no fucking way milk could get any worse. No. Fucking. Way.
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SHOW ME HOW
1) Peeps. Flavored. Milk.
Okay, I lied - there is something worse than TruMoo. Milk has come in many wondrous forms since the dawn of civilization, such as passion fruit yogurt, chocolate truffle ice cream, Swiss fondue, and blueberry cheesecake. But taking the absolute worst candy (circus peanuts and salted black licorice are close) ever created — those stale, vaguely bird-shaped marshmallow glops rolled in neon pee-colored sugar — and milking their tiny, obese baby chicken bodies? Which hell should Prairie Farms burn in for making this happen? There are three flavors to choose from: marshmallow, chocolate marshmallow, and Easter egg nog (we also see what you did there, crossing the holiday streams), but choosing none of the above would certainly be preferable to drinking your way into diabetes, shame and blatant milk-abuse.
And at a whopping 37 grams of sugar per serving, you won’t have to drink much of this to get all that shame headed straight for your ass.