CVVC Virus Report, 7/25/08: The Center for Viral Video Control has reported that this video (shown after the jump) has been responsible for the sudden cranial detonation of approximately 90% of the population of the North American continent. Unconfirmed reports have the video (in translated form) already appearing in Central and South America, Western Europe, North Africa and the Middle East with mortality figures on par with the North American outbreak. No suitable antidote or vaccine has yet been discovered, though some medical professionals are administering repeated viewings of the Peter Gabriel "Sledgehammer" video and endless loop recordings of the "Oscar Meyer Weiner" jingle as an antagonist to the addictive nature of the so-called "Hover Bacon" effect.
Statistical Data: First incidence of video: September 28, 2007 Original source: http://www.rathergood.com Patient zero: Jane Le, Westword copy editor, Denver, CO Primary transmission vector: Jason Sheehan, Westword restaurant critic (note: Sheehan, who has survived repeated viewings of the video and is currently under examination at CVVC facilities in Colorado Springs, is believed to have been the person responsible for inflicting the video on Los Angeles, Albuquerque, Manhattan, Buffalo and Seattle through unprotected sharing of said file. The first spontaneous cranial detonations began on or about 22 July, 2008, and have been traced directly back to Sheehan's work computer and email account.)
Outlook: Poor. With viral transmission and near universal lethality (owing to massive and explosive brain hemorrhage from those unable to get the song out of their heads), truly the end times are at hand. It is the hope of the CVVC that the video (below) can be later studied by the survivors of this calamity for clues on how it may be either eliminated or more appropriately weaponized for use in global combat scenarios. Please watch only under laboratory conditions and at your own risk.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!