Ketchup on the news: When condiments attack!

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We all love to spice up our life, but when your ass keeps getting beat up, it's time to keep it vanilla.

Condiments can be very hazardous to your health, as these five examples show:

1) In Florence, Alabama, John Littrel was busted for busting the head of a person trying to get into his own hotel room. The weapon of choice was a bottle of Worcestershire sauce. Since this happened at an Economy Inn, my gut tells me this was a discount brand sauce and not the good stuff.

2) Police in Surprise, Arizona, were called in to the local Kentucky Fried Chicken after Monique Aguet got so upset over her missing condiments, she decided to run over the employee who was taking her license-plate number to report her to the local constables. the only surprise here is that anyone at KFC actually cares about the food.

3) What do you get when you cover a Chevy Impala with barbecue sauce and pickles? If you live in Aurora, Illinois, a recipe for an insurance claim. A 23-year-old there apparently had her car basted by a local BBQ chain.

4) A restaurant in a suburb of Seattle was attacked by some ketchup and mustard squirt bottles. The restaurant, which prides itself on al fresco dining, leaves its bottles of liquid gold on the tables -- and it was just a matter of time before some young punks had their way with them. When restaurant employees came to work one morning, the front of the place was covered with poorly written red-and-yellow velvetine glyphics.

5) Mexicans love hot sauce and their Mexi-Coke, but Sylvia Tagle found out the hard way that you shouldn't mix them in Miami. Tagle, a teacher for the mentally disabled, dosed her soda with searing hot sauce in some kind of weird lesson plan. I have no idea how that constitutes a crime, but she was fired from her job and could also face jail time. All because, as she puts it, "that's her culture."

Aye Carumba!

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.


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