At this time of year, experts keep sending out seasonal survival guides. Local dietitian Suzanne Martin, for example, recently released her list of seven secrets for eating healthy during the holidays.
Here they are -- and my responses:
1) Pack simple snacks My simple snacks include shooters of vodka, preferably the on-sale ones, and a can of diet Sprite. Do the shooters before the party and you won't get any extra calories from the free flutes of champagne.
2) Try the 80/20 rule This must be that new rule about how to measure a blonde's chest. If her chest is over 80 percent of her body and she's twenty years old, make sure you work that out to your advantage.
3) Limit added sugars Yeah, by not adding any punch to the vodka you snuck in. Stick with that can of diet Sprite.
4) Switch sides I don't know about you, but if I'm switching sides, I better be good and drunk. Because nothing makes me not want to eat like finding a strange wiener in my mouth.
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5) Take control I love this one. Take control of what? The hooker in the corner who's waiting for blow? I'll take control over the liquor cabinet and then grab her and bust out of there like I stole something. And I did.
6) Choose only one indulgence I have a big one -- but then, I am Sicilian. Make sure you stay with one type of beverage. That way, if the host/hostess accuses you of pilfering the good scotch, you can pick up the bottle of Grey Goose and say, "Take this, you bitch!"
7) Never leave home empty-handed Yes. Make sure that you either have a hand in the mink stoles or are holding the key to the front door. You never know when another party might be going on without you.
Remember to follow these seven simple steps and you, too, can enjoy a happy and healthy holiday party. Now excuse me while I load up my coat with the cocktail shrimp.