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Keep Westword Free
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Porn site preys on chain-food fans: Tickle my baby-back ribs!

"Patricia. this might seem weird at first," read the mash note in my e-mail yesterday. "went by applebees and thought about u."

Yes, it seemed weird, because I've been to an Applebee's maybe once in the past decade. But it also seemed weird because I'd gotten two very similar notes in the last few days: one that name-checked Wendy's (where I'm not sure I've ever been) and the original, which referenced Chili's (ditto):

"Patricia. having a hardd time explaining this, was over by chilis and thought i saw u. But will u make my day and criticize this ffor me come see it oon here, luv, youu know who."

Chili's? Not likely. But the spam artist's typos were irresistible, so I followed the link to the next level, Crush Greetings, where I found this message (spelled much better than the original one):

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Support the independent voice of Denver and help keep the future of Westword free.

"This is difficult for me to do because I'm shy...but I have a crush on you. I've never been able to tell you for reasons which you would quickly identify as obvious if you knew who this was. With that said, I want you to guess who I am, and approach me yourself. To help you out with your guessing I made a few pictures and videos with 'Patricia' written on my body. They're kind of risque photos so I had to make a profile at Camfunonline.com and post them there...I'm shy and this is the bravest thing I've probably ever done, but you need to do the rest."

But to do the rest, surprise, surprise, you had to enter a credit or debit card on the site. So tempting as it was to see just how far this site might go to lure lovelorn Chili's fans -- would my secret admirer be slathered with Baby Back Rib sauce, my name etched on his own...rib? And don't get me started on what he might be doing with a Big Mouth Burger to "pepper in some flavor" -- I declined the offer.

But the notes keep coming. I don't even want to think about what Taco Bell might inspire. Talk about thinking outside the bun!

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