What with the Food Network and the proliferation of culinary personalities all over the place, do you ever wonder what those folks might do in a zombie apocalypse? They'd die, of course. And then become zombies themselves. But what then?
They'd do what they've always done, obviously. They'd annoy the crap out of us on TV. And in some cases, this might be an improvement.
7. Martha Stewart Martha might be more a domestic diva than just a foodie, but she was one of the first, and one of the best, and one of the most pretentious. If Martha became a zombie, not only would a lot of at-home Moms nationwide immediately start trying to become one as well (and they'd probably sell Martha Stewart Home Zombie Kits at K-mart), but there'd be a proliferation of body-part centerpieces. Of course, Westchester would never be the same, but as Martha will still moan, it's a good thing. 6. Gordon Ramsay If Ramsay entered into the legions of undead, his primary American outlet, Hell's Kitchen, would take on a whole new angle: Instead of heaping abuse on his contestant "donkeys," he could just winnow out the losers by, you know, eating them. So no more turning in your jacket when you get ousted: It's time to turn in your skullcap, big boy. More satisfyingly, Ramsay could actually physically attack the ridiculous, over-privileged patrons of his TV restaurant when they deign to complain about their food coming slowly at a setup in which the food is virtually guaranteed to come out slowly, if at all. Hey, you know what's slow now? Your bitchy, zombie ass. 5. Adam Richman This would turn Richman's gluttony vehicle Man vs. Food into something we all know a little better: Man vs. Man. So the cooking/competitive eating show would basically turn into one long chase scene in which Zombie Adam shuffles around (at basically the same speed he's at as a living being, oddly) catching and eating the brains of as many locals as he can. Which. you have to admit, would be far more entertaining. That stack of overstuffed Italian beef sandwiches can't fight back, after all. 4. Any Iron Chef I'm not completely sure these guys aren't zombies already. It seems pretty clear that the Chairman is, so it's possible that he built Kitchen Stadium as a complex and sinister deathtrap into which willing contestants and guest judges enter, only to be processed like so much sea eel. Only problem is that the secret ingredient would become brains every week, which sort of defeats the purpose of the secret. 3. Alton Brown Who but Alton Brown could go into exactly how zombies can still eat without operable digestive systems? And considering that he'd do so with whimsical puppetry, simple animations, semi-humorous skits and an innate sarcasm, this Mr. Wizard of the cooking world would bring some lightheartedness to zombiedom. Most important, his precipitous hair loss would stop, which might relieve all the middle-aged housewives for whom he's a sex symbol. Being undead is one thing, but bald? Deal-killer. 2. Rachael Ray Brains cooked in EVOO are good and quick, people, and you can do it in less than thirty minutes. And they make excellent sammies for your lunches the next day if you don't feel like leaving the zombie office to hunt down innocent bystanders and dine al fresco. Yummo! Honestly, Ray becoming a zombie would answer two important questions: One, just how "bubbly" comes across if you're a zombie; and two, if that wide, welcoming smile still works when the teeth are yellow and have human flesh stuck up in there. 1. Julia Child This is, if you'll pardon the phrase, a no-brainer. Since she's already dead, good ol' Julia is already halfway there. And since we've really missed her, coming back as an undead chef is a definite improvement from just being a dead chef, right? Bone appétit!
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Westword's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Denver's stories with no paywalls.