If the pundits are to be believed, the entirety of our country's centuries-old racial upheaval will be solved today with the cracking open of a couple cold ones.
After President Barack Obama ignited a fiery national debate on race relations last week by weighing in on the controversial arrest of distinguished Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. in his own home by police Sergeant James Crowley, the big man decided to make things right the only way us true-blooded Americans know how (that is, when we're not allowed to just shoot people indiscriminately). He invited Gates and Crowley over to his crib for some brewskies.
The "Cant We All Just Get Along" White House happy hour, scheduled for today, will undoubtedly be one small sip for three men, one giant keg stand for all of beer-kind. Not only may this sudsy toast turn the page on racial tensions once and for all, but the beers chosen for it will enjoy one of the greatest product placements imaginable, not to mention serve as statements of sorts for the three men involved. Think of it as on-tap diplomacy.
What will the momentous brews of choice be? Word has it that Obama will go for a Budweiser, while Gates is said to be partial to Red Stripe. But Crowley is opting for one of Colorado's native beers. Unfortunately, it's Blue Moon, the tepid Molson Coors witbier born at Coors Field that's essentially just a glass full of blah.
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And that's a shame, when there are so many better beers from Colorado. A few humble hometown suggestions that would make for a much better ambassadorial chug:
Coors. Since Blue Moon is a Coors concoction, why not just go with the Coors Original, straight out of Golden? It would be a savvy political move, appealing to a wide swath of conservative America that the Coors Brewing Company has attracted over the years: union opponents, homophobes, polluters, right-wing Christians, racists... and twins!
Fat Tire Amber Ale. Talk about change you can believe in... in a pint glass! As everyone in these parts knows, Fat Tire, brewed by super-duper environmentally friendly New Belgium Brewery in Fort Collins, is made from nothing but puffs of wind, rays of sunshine and bouncy inner tubes. Hell, if Crowley were to crack open one of these puppies on the White House lawn today, we wouldn't be surprised if Al Gore popped out driving a rainbow-colored Prius and farting Nobel Peace Prizes. The shit tastes pretty good, too. Old Ruffian. The liquid version of banging your shoe on the podium, courtesy of Denver's Great Divide Brewing. Gargantuan hop flavor. A big, scary label. A dizzying 10.2 percent alcohol by volume. If Crowley is man enough to take a few guzzles of this monster, take it from us: No one will be resisting his arresting personality.