Ah, caffeine. The most wonderful of all stimulants. The most legal of all stimulants, more to the point. Is there anything that can't be improved by the judicious -- or injudicious -- addition of caffeine? Apparently not, since the last few years have seen an explosion of caffeinated products, from the ubiquitous energy drink to chewing gum and mints, malt liquor and, most recently, beef jerky. But there remain a few key items that could be markedly improved by a little jolt from our favorite molecule. Here are six of them. Wine: I love the wine buzz, but man, do I ever get sleepy after my second glass. Solution: caffeinate it! I know right now every wine snob in America just felt a great disturbance in the Force just from me mentioning it, but screw them. Besides, when they do caffeinate it, you know it's going to be some off-brand box wine they'd never look at anyway. Me? I'll be first in line to buy a box or four.
Doritos: Doritos have been pushing the XTREME thing for a while now with all their wacky flavors and marketing campaigns. Why not go all the way and make them truly extreme with 200 mg a bag worth of the good stuff? Research shows it would make me 76 percent more likely to add them to my breakfast rotation. It would also cut out the need to wash them down with Mountain Dew, or at least make that a more eye-opening experience.
Turkey: I know the tryptophan myth has been widely debunked, but whatever. Some goddamn thing makes you all sleepy and useless after a good turkey dinner. But if the turkey was infused with caffeine, we'd all be able to catch the second half of the game afterward, so we wouldn't miss a second of the exciting Detroit vs. whomever action! Um, wait a minute. Maybe this one isn't such a hot idea after all ...
Wasabi: This delicious green goo already has an incredible zing, but how much more zing could it have with a nice dose of caffeine incorporated? I say it's high time we found out. Plus, you'd be able to drink even more sake if you were all amped up and jittery from all the wasabi you were soaking your sushi in, and that's always a good thing. Mmm ... sake.
Eye Drops: You can already get caffeine in soaps, shampoos and inhalers. One of the few frontiers that's left is dropping it directly into your eye. Hey, the optic nerve is a freaking pipeline straight to the brain, so it has to work better right? Talk about bright-eyed and bushy tailed! The only other ways to administer it would be via IV or suppository, but I'm willing to forego those options. Your mileage may vary. Fruit: Yes, all of it. It's already full of minerals and vitamins and all that good stuff, but hey, that will only make the caffeine kick work better, right? All I know is I don't eat enough of the stuff, but it would be a lot easier to convince me to do so if I could substitute an apple for my mid-afternoon cup of joe and still not fall asleep before quitting time rolled around. Just sayin' ...
Decaf: Because, honestly: Fuck decaf.
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