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Ten Ways Chipotle Could Regain Its Mojo

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5. Guac the Vote!
In a tandem effort with voter participation efforts for the upcoming national election, Chipotle could offer a free cheese quesadilla with guacamole for everyone who comes in on Tuesday, November 8. Better yet, give away a whole burrito. And a Corona. With a slice of lime. This election, we may all need a stiff drink.

4. The Chipotle Blimp
Blimps are already big, fat,and vaguely-cylindrical…so why not dress one up as a burrito and float it over sports events and festivals and the like? It’s worked for Goodyear for going on 100 years now, so it’s definitely something people remember. True, there have been small  versions of this already — mostly tiny drones at small venues like parades and (for some reason) hockey games in Texas. But we need the big enchilada, so to speak. Make that sucker huge, manned, national and very, very visible. The only downside is that safety would have to be paramount, because the last thing Chipotle needs now is a huge embarrassing accident involving the sudden release of volatile gas.

3. Golden Tickets
It worked for Willy Wonka (may Gene Wilder rest in peace), and it could work for Chipotle. The wrappers are already silvery — throw the possibility of some gold flashing out of that wrapping, with the prize being an all-expenses-paid grand tour of the Chipotle headquarters here in fabulous Denver, CO, and watch the American public go wild. True, the tour isn’t the big draw…unless the prize includes, say, a weekend living it up at the Four Seasons downtown, a custom Jeep with a Chipotle advertising paint job, and (of course) a lifetime supply of burritos. Sadly, no magic elevators, bean-juice waterfalls or Oompa-Loompas dutifully mixing guacamole in wheelbarrows, but still…want to change the world? There’s nothing to it.

2. Chipotle Field at Mile High
Just saying: it’s available.

1. Stop Making People Sick
Sometimes the simplest solutions are best.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen