The 10 worst lunch boxes ever -- and what they say about the kids who carried them

Every kid knew it: lunchboxes meant something. And it wasn't just that you were a fan of whatever it was that you sported on your lunchtime luggage. It was your proclamation of identity. A window into your third-grade, paste-eating soul. So the question was this: with what are you aligning...

By Teague Bohlen

August 20, 2009

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Every kid knew it: lunchboxes meant something. And it wasn't just that you were a fan of whatever it was that you sported on your lunchtime luggage. It was your proclamation of identity. A window into your third-grade, paste-eating soul.

So the question was this: with what are you aligning yourself? Star Wars? Marvel Comics? Dukes of Hazzard? Care Bears? Muppets? Pele? They all made a statement -- especially the bad ones, the thoughtless ones, the downright inappropriate ones. So, here, the 10 Worst Lunchboxes Ever, and what they said about the kids who carried them.

10. Disco

What it says: "You might think this is a lame lunchbox now, but just wait until you're a gay kitsch-collector in the late 1990s."

9. Wags and Whiskers

What it says: ""This dog is obviously being abused, and this kitty is silently pleading you to help, help for the love of god. But you can't, because it's my lunchbox."

8. Junior Nurse

What it says: "I'm either very into entering the medical profession someday, or I really like playing doctor. Want to meet me behind the gym after school to find out which?"

7. Laugh-In

What it says: "Hey, here's a show my parents watch that I don't understand! Because I'm six."

6. Pro Sports/Campus Queen

What they say: "My mom has no clue what I actually like, but thinks that this looks like a generic idea of what I might enjoy based on clichéd gender roles and utilizing an early crude form of clip art."

5. Rambo

What it says: "Nothing is over! Nothing! Well, except maybe that point in my childhood where it's still appropriate for me to still be carrying a lunchbox."

4. Bee Gees

What it says: "What I really wanted was a DISCO lunchbox."

3. Exciting World of Metrics

What it says: "I don't get nearly enough math in class, so I enjoy looking at the same conversion-facts all through my lunch hour, too. It's also fun to count the number of punches I get each day, multiply that by the number of Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies I receive, and then tabulate just exactly how much my life sucks on the metric scale."

2. Hi!

What it says: "Hi! I'll give you an apple if you'll touch my belt."

1. Blank

What it says: "My mom hates me."

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.

Contact: Teague Bohlen