Welcome to In the Weeds. Kyle will be right with you -- most likely to complain about something. Usually he is pleasant, but this is his place to blow off some steam. Don't take it personally; he just needs to vent because he's been doing this for about thirteen years. Enjoy your meal.
I'm probably dooming myself by saying this, but I'm allergic to allergies.
So far, though, I haven't suffered from allergies -- which is lucky, because I love food and eat it on an almost hourly basis. As a non-sufferer, I'm probably not as sensitive to allergies as I should be, and am admittedly annoyed when waiting on people with a laundry list of food allergies.
In an effort to better sympathize with allergy sufferers and bring light to their plight, I've done some study, and come up with the ten most unfortunate food and drink allergies:
10. Seeds: I could easily eliminate seeds from my diet without noticing -- if not for baseball. Sitting at a baseball game without sunflower seeds is like watching a baseball game without beer -- possible, but highly inadvisable. If a seedless baseball game is your reality, have an extra beer to ease the pain. (On a side note, Spitz Dill Pickle are the best sunflower seeds available, hands down)
9. Meat: It's fine, even admirable, if you choose not to eat meat, but to have that decision made for you is simply cruel. I hope those who are allergic to meat developed the affliction later in life, so that they were able to enjoy at least one delicious Porterhouse that wasn't followed by rashes and a swollen throat.
8. Blueberries: This super food is packed with Vitamin C, fiber and manganese, and if it makes you sick to eat it, you might be struck with a bigger malady. The amazing levels of antioxidants in blueberries kill free radicals, which are linked to the development of cancer. Blueberries are also very high in deliciousness.
7. Garlic: Channeling Jerry Seinfeld here. Anytime anyone says, "Ooh, this is so good, what's in this?," the answer invariably comes back: garlic. It makes everything better. It also has a number of health benefits that help battle cancer, diabetes and heart disease. For other ways garlic can help fine-tune your body, I'll refer you to our friends at Best-Herpes-Treatments.com. (And if you claim to understand how Google determines its search results, then explain why that site is the fourth-highest result when googling "garlic health benefits.")
6. Chocolate: Most people who think they are allergic to chocolate are actually allergic to other foods used to make chocolate, such as dairy, soy or nuts. But some people are actually allergic to cacao, and that is unfortunate. Imagine life without the height of chocolate culinary achievement. I'm speaking, of course, of Cocoa Puffs.
5. Salt: The king of seasonings brings out the flavor in so many foods, and its components are essential to bodily functions. Local restaurants are named after it and a caramel and chocolate gelato isn't complete without it. If you're allergic to salt, what do you put on your bacon? Besides butter, of course.
4. Alcohol: Technically, most people are allergic to something other than alcohol in a drink, such as yeast in beer or sulfites in wine, but some people do have an alcohol intolerance, which sucks. Many alcoholic beverages are all kinds of delicious and enhance food. Plus, you haven't lived until you've had six or seven too many, made an ass of yourself in public, urinated somewhere you shouldn't have and then called some ex-lovers to tell them how they are such whores and/or how much you still love them.
3. Orgasms: Yes, this is not a food allergy, but it is the quintessential unfortunate allergy. Earlier this year, Dutch scientists released a report about post-orgasmic illness syndrome, also known as POIS, or "Holy shit, please kill me." Men who suffer from POIS reportedly come down with flu-like symptoms after they ejaculate, including weakness, headaches, frightening dreams, swollen lips and throat, fevers, runny noses, extreme fatigue and burning eyes. So the next time you finish doing the deed and you're just lying there smoking a cigarette, think about the poor guy who has to watch his life flash before his eyes every time he wants to get some. One man who suffered from POIS had to plan sex only on Fridays, because he needed two days to recover before work on Monday -- and some symptoms can last a week. But the cure could be worse than the condition: injections of heavily diluted amounts of the men's own semen.
2. Water: Almost every person needs water to survive, but one in 230 million people can't survive with it. Take Michaela Dutton, who drinks Diet Coke because it's the only beverage her body can tolerate. She bathes for just ten seconds a week because water causes her skin to break out in blisters and wipes herself down with a cloth to stay relatively clean. She's also unable to brush away her son's tears. I'm guessing she would kill for a simple peanut allergy.
1. Everything but water: I once had a co-worker whose child had many allergies. One day he came by my office in a panic and said, "Duffy ate a pea, I have to go," and then ran off. When telling that story, I would usually say that Duffy was allergic to everything. But I don't say that anymore, because there is at least one kid on this planet who actually is allergic to everything. He can drink only water and is nourished by a formula-type mix full of nutrients through a feeding tube that goes directly into his stomach. While his family enjoys dinner, he munches on ice cubes. Duffy, and the rest of the world, have nothing on this kid in the allergy department.