Pretzel is feeling beasty, claim his kidnappers.
Pretzel is feeling beasty, claim his kidnappers.

Thieves that skulked off with Euclid Hall's pig issue ransom demands

You know the story by now: Bandits hijacked Pretzel, Euclid Hall's pig, last Sunday, brazenly running off with the swine during the Big Eat (the entire saga is chronicled on the following pages). According to those at Euclid Hall, Pretzel has a wee problem with her excessive alcohol consumption and is in the Betty Hyundai Clinic (Betty Ford was apparently too expensive), but judging from the latest note from the pilferers, she's holed up at a place where she's been crowned "queen pig" due to her beastly size. But, counter her captors, she's thirsty for aqua -- not booze. And now they've issued ransom demands for her safe return.

See also: - Euclid Hall's pig mascot, snatched by thieves threatening ransom demands - Euclid Hall's mascot pig is being held for ransom (no, we're not kidding) - The Euclid Hall pig heist: The final smackdown in photos

Dearest Euclid hall crew:

Pretzel really likes it, uh, rehab. She's bigger than the other pigs and it makes her feel beastly, although she's grunting quite a bit about her thirst for water...not beer or chartreuse, as you claim. You seem to be accusing your poor Pretzel of being a drunk; we've shared that information with her in a group setting (her fellow patients empathize), and she's noticeably agitated by the accusation.

Anyway, if you are unsuccessful in finding Pretzel today, you'll have one more chance tomorrow. If you want Pretzel back at Euclid Hall, here are our demands:

We require one squeegee sharpener, two pairs of left-handed tongs, a rice peeler and a scallop punch. All items must be gathered at Euclid Hall by 5 p.m. on Sunday. We all feel that chef Jorel is most suited to turn these items over to us while wearing a culinary student uniform, so you'd better make that happen, too. And beer -- we like beer. Not the pig -- us.

If these demands are meant, we will return your beloved Pretzel. If the demands are not met, we may have to turn Pretzel into scraps. Five o'clock tomorrow is your deadline."

What the hell?
What the hell?
Joint collaboration between victims and thieves.

Third post: In the latest saga of Pretzel, Euclid Hall's pig mascot that was snatched from Sunday's Big Eat at Sustainability Park, comes this from the pig herself.

My Beloved Family!

You gotta help me! My hijackers are taking good care of me (sort of), but I miss my family! Please, for the love of bacon, do whatever they ask so I can come home.

P.S. It rubs the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again, so put the lotion on the basket.

P.P.S. Things change around here quite a bit, like once a month, where I'm currently being held captive.

P.P.P.S. If you really, really loved me, you'd send a limo to rescue my ass.

In a very weird twist, however, the Euclid Hall crew, soldiered by chef Jorel Pierce, seems to be insinuating that the pig is a drunk -- a lot like Amanda Bynes (that unflattering photo above of Bynes was supplied by Pierce and friends), who is all sorts of batshit-crazy, at least according to TMZ. In fact, it appears from the letter below that poor Pretzel (what kind of name is that for a pig, anyway?) is actually in rehab. Or Euclid Hall is incredibly confused (at this point, who can blame them?), or in need of their own twelve-step program. You be the judge. And tune in tomorrow for more swine saga -- otherwise known as "Pigs of Our Lives," when we try to make sense of this soap opera.

To all our restaurant friends, particularly those trying to protect Pretzel:

We want to thank you for attempting to keep our beloved Pretzel out of the gossip rags.

We appreciate you're wanting to help, but the truth must be told: Pretzel has developed quite the taste for green Chartreuse and Left Hand Milk Stout. Who hasn't? But, alas, we are all affected differently by these powerful forces.

Unfortunately, one too many nights of her running around Euclid with her pig parts exposed and her sombrero half-cocked left us with no other options. The first step is admitting you have a problem. We looked at Betty Ford, but it was way too expensive -- only Lindsay (and probably Amanda) can afford it. Pretzel is spending her rehab days at the Betty Hyundai Clinic.

Pretzel is getting the help she needs. We've received a few e-mails -- even Skyped once -- and our pig seems to be doing great. She'll be back at Euclid in no time, holding magnets and breaking hearts, just like the old Pretzel we've grown to know and love.

Thanks, again. We appreciate you trying to save our pig from being dragged through the mud.

Love always, The Kids in the Hall

One pig, one posse and how many thieves?
One pig, one posse and how many thieves?

Second post: On the left, you've got the now sequestered Pretzel the Pig, Euclid Hall's mascot, which was unceremoniously yanked from its perch during the Big Eat on Sunday, the details of which are all chronicled on the second page. On the right, you have the newly formed Euclid Hall posse -- those in search of the heisted pig. And below, we have the latest missive -- short and sweet -- from the brazen bandit (or bandits) who skulked off with that pig.

Dearest Euclid Hall Crew:

We still have the pig. It is at a new undisclosed location. Here is a picture with today's Westword as proof.

Tomorrow, the victims of that heist -- Euclid Hall chef Jorel Pierce and his mourning brothers and sisters -- will allegedly respond to the hijacker(s), and if they do, we'll print their letter in its entirety right here on Cafe Society.

Original post: A throng of thieves -- or maybe it was just one holdup artist -- got away with swine snatchery on Sunday, the day of EatDenver's Big Eat bash, where forty restaurants, several wineries and breweries and more than a thousand revelers congregated at Sustainability Park...and that leaves the mud pit wide open for the culprit (or culprits) who pilfered Euclid Hall's pig mascot, which, when I saw it, was holding court on the corner of the table.

And this isn't the first time that pig has been poached.

Two years ago, almost to the day, that damn pig was swiped from -- you guessed it -- the Big Eat. Turns out that swindlers from the Squeaky Bean, namely Johnny Ballen and Sean Kenyon, were the miscreants, although there were co-conspirators, too, including Ben Parsons, who owns the Infinite Monkey Theorem, and Paul Reilly, chef-owner of Beast + Bottle (then Encore).

Back and forth they went -- the thieves and Jorel Pierce, exec chef of Euclid Hall -- penning missives to one another, posted right here on Cafe Society, demanding everything from rubber duckies and Pierce parading around in a pink tutu to sponge baths and rivers of bone marrow. The hog, held hostage for several days, was eventually returned in a hilarious cops-and-robbers-like showdown.

And now it's déjà pig all over again. Here's the deal, Jorel: In order for you to reclaim your beloved pig, the hoodlum -- or hoodlums -- who made off with him (or her) have written a letter to you that details the heist negotiations. Pay attention.

Dearest Euclid Hall crew:

Two times at the same ought to be more careful with your prized pig! We might suggest no sombreros next year. It's easier to see a guy with a fake mustache that way.

But we digress. This is the deal: We will send one photo a day to Westword for three days, and it will be up to you to figure out where the photos were taken. If you figure it out, or see a pattern, feel free to make an attempt to steal it back...if you're fast enough. If you can't figure it out by Sunday morning, a ransom demand will need to be met for the pig's safe return.

By the way, he looks great in the office here!

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