In today's hilarious food news of the world report, David Harding, a man from South London, admits that he has a fetish -- a major fetish -- for sausages. It's become so troublesome, he told The Daily Mirror, that he's banging through thirteen sausages a day, a porkerrific compulsion that's propelled him to fork over nearly $4,000 on professional therapy and hypnoses to help him kick his, um, wurst habit. "I genuinely cannot bear the thought of living without sausages," he confessed to the British tabloid.
Unfortunately, therapy has been an utter waste of pork, so we turned to Il Mondo Vecchio's Mark DeNittis, Denver's own stud of sausage, to see if he had any advice for Harding.
"I find this to be a case of salumisim the most significant I have ever seen," says DeNittis, adding that "most of the 'dockers' -- salumiholics who attend the Il Mondo Vecchio cure and treatment facility -- are similarly affected." Treatment, advises DeNittis, is "not to quit but to practice moderation."
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DeNittis has even gone so far as to create an "addiction" website for the sausage-obsessed, in which he addresses five myths associated with sausage abuse:
MYTH 1: Overcoming salumi addiction is simply a matter of willpower. You can completely stop using if you really want to. Prolonged exposure to salumi alters the brain in ways that result in powerful cravings and a compulsion to use constantly. These brain changes make it extremely difficult to moderate by sheer force of will. Stopping is certainly not the answer either, knowledge is power and most importantly moderation is a very meaningful, powerful and integral part of the process.
MYTH 2: Addiction is a disease; there's nothing you can do about it. Most experts agree that addiction is a brain disease, but that doesn't mean you're a helpless victim. The brain changes associated with salumi addiction can be treated through moderation of salumi intake. The cure is a balanced healthy lifestyle and exercise, with a mix of other helpful substances. These commonly include fresh whole grain rich breads, fine cheeses and glass of your favorite beverage from a grape growing region. Salumi alone can become a serious problem yet the cure is simple.
MYTH 3: Addicts have to hit rock bottom before they can get better. Recovery can begin at any point in the salumi addiction process -- and the earlier, the better. The longer it continues, the stronger the addiction becomes and the harder it is to treat. Don't wait to intervene until the addict has completely lost it all.
MYTH 4: You can't force someone into treatment; they have to want help. Treatment doesn't have to be voluntary to be successful. People who are pressured into treatment are just as likely to benefit as those who choose to enter treatment on their own. As they moderate, and their thinking clears, many formerly resistant addicts decide they want to change.
MYTH 5: Treatment didn't work before, so there's no point trying again; some cases are hopeless. Recovery from salumi addiction is a long process that often involves setbacks. Relapse doesn't mean that treatment has failed, or that you're a lost cause. Rather, it's a signal to get back on track, either by going back to the IMV treatment facility or adjusting the treatment approach and intake of the IMV Salumi Cure.
If all else fails, just tell the shrinks to stuff it.