Top five cheeseburger abominations, inspired by Carl's Jr.'s footlong cheeseburger

It's unclear what Carl's Jr. is trying to prove -- or to whom -- with its recent introduction of a footlong cheeseburger to the Santa Ana, California market. Footlong subs, sure. The Footlong Quarter Pound Coney? We get it. But cheeseburgers?

Apparently Carl's Jr. is too incompetent to even manufacture an actual footlong patty to accommodate the new sammy. Foodbeast reports that the monstrosity, which looks essentially like a sub, consists of "smaller individual patties." Lame!

But this isn't the first time we've witnessed the bastardization of the cheeseburger's good name and reputation. Herewith our top five most disgusting uses of the cheeseburger:

1. Cheeseburger pizza. Combining pizza and cheeseburgers is like putting onion rings and french fries together. It's just overkill. Pizza, especially, is a home run on its own. It doesn't need to be crossbred with another meal fave. Sure, they're both badass, but more badass by themselves. Pass. 2. Cheeseburger Combos. There's been cheeseburger Doritos, cheeseburger Pringles and cheeseburger-flavored popcorn, but cheeseburger combos somehow seem the most heinous. It's hard to even imagine what flavor testers had to go through in the lab in order to come up with a chemical combination approximating cheeseburgers. With combos, it must be accumulated and compacted into a tight little tube. Barf. 3. Canned cheeseburger. We thought peanut butter and jelly in a can was bad, but the Swiss have one-upped the Candwich folks with their cheeseburger in a can. "Made for the extreme athlete, the all terrain camper, or the desert fox ..." proclaims the website . Just say no. 4. Cheeseburger rolls. Schwan's is a pro at food mash-ups. Philly cheesesteak pockets anyone? How about some cheese-stuffed pretzel bites? The photos do nothing to recommend the overprocessed ridiculousness. You can almost imagine a warehouse of grubby-handed toddlers mushing this stuff together in spaghetti-strewn high chairs. Ugh. 5. Meat Water. Even if it is just an elaborate joke, we applaud Meat Water creators' inventiveness and sense of humor. The company website says its consumers prefer cheeseburger-flavored meat water most, but we got a laugh out of the "ladies' choice" flavors too: stuffed quail, venison confit and bangers and mash. Over and out.
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Jessica Chapman
Contact: Jessica Chapman