Top five cookies to show up your crazy friends at their cookie-swap party

The holidays bring out the crazy in multi-tasking moms. As the seasons turn and after all the "My kid didn't fail third grade English" bumper stickers have been purchased, they turn their attention to cookie-exchange parties.

For me, the Christmas cookie chain of events has always been as follows: Mom bakes 'em, I eat 'em. But things are not so simple for cookie-swapping women: There are rules and other conventions. Show up with chocolate chip cookies, for example, and expect to get laughed at.

Four new cookbooks describing how to host a successful cookie swap are out this season. Jack Daniel's even has a new advertising campaign encouraging bakers to "Spike the Cookies," with a promotional video that shows hot young women knocking down Jack, munching on cookies and laughing all the way. (Something tells me the average cookie swap has decidedly fewer models and more sniping comments about how Jane's frosting doesn't match her Tupperware lid.)

If you're feeling competitive this Christmas season and fist-fighting other parents over the last Sing-a-ma-jig isn't enough to relieve the pressure, there's no time to waste. Here are five cookies that will show your uppity friends you mean business with the cookie sheet -- and also insure that you're never invited to another swap party.

5. Chocolate Chirpie Chip Cookies If you read the cookie swap rules, you know that plain old chocolate chip cookies are not allowed. Good thing these bad boys call for a half cup of roasted crickets. If your fellow party-goers look at you sideways, tell them that cricket cookies are all the rage in Honduras or some other foreign country and you will immediately appear cultured. Having trouble finding roasted crickets? Don't worry, I got a guy.

4. Maple Chocolate Bacon Cookies If you think bacon can do anything but improve a dish, dessert or otherwise, then you need to move to a different country. 3. Bear Sporting a Bikini Show those up-tight housewives what the holidays are all about: Sexy bears, of course. 2. Fetus Cookies What these cookies lack in political correctness, they more than make up for with crunchy fetus goodness. Added bonus -- you get to see which one of your friends dares to be the first to bite into a fetus.

1. Deep Shit Cookies I know what you're going to ask, and yes, the recipe page does include the rudimentary animation of a dog taking a shit.

The recipe also features this little bit of advice: If you use white flour or sugar, the cookies may be tastier -- but they won't look like shit. Also this: Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grape nuts, with a cat litter scoop. I hear you also get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding.

These cookie-swap parties have been sophisticated for long enough. Bring on the poop jokes!

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Kyle Garratt
Contact: Kyle Garratt