With Valentine's Day upon us once again, love is in the air. Birds are tweeting, butterflies are floating on the gentle breeze, and Internet connections are blinking away as the lovelorn hit up their hard-working little modems and wireless routers to locate a date.
Finding that date can be as easy as double-clicking your mouse -- but then you need to figure out what sumptuous meal to serve for the perfect V-Day interlude. Your culinary needs are really dependent on which website you used to make your match. So in the interest of helping you make your night fit together as perfectly as a USB plug into a port, here are our top five meals to serve your Internet date on Valentine's Day:
5. If you met your date on eHarmony: A small mixed green salad with non-fat, low-calorie organic dressing, and two bottles of Voss water. Your happy talk of late-model BMWs, timeshares and the last cruises you took to the Caribbean "just 'cause" will be fueled by the macrobiotic bliss of chewing little baby leaves, and slaking the inevitable thirst from waxing poetic about your IRA accounts with water in glass bottles will totally mask the fact that you are actually a part-time line cook at Village Inn with credit-card debt up to your ass. With any luck, your date won't find this out until after you've gotten some.
4. If you met your date on Match.com: Beenie weenies. Yup, a steaming pot full of pork and beans with cut-up hot dogs. This is gonna make it a lot easier to have a conversation with your date, because his or her four-to-six young children will have something to cram in their little grub-holes instead of bugging you every five minutes. Throwing food into the equation will cut the interruption time down to approximately every seven minutes; to get in a full ten minutes of talk between potty breaks and tattling, throw down your A-game and bust out a case of Otter Pops and a box of Cheerios. Your carpet may suffer, but your night will be like a delightful Disney movie.
3. If you met your date on PlentyofFish.com: A bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, sides of slaw and mashed potatoes. Going fishing off the sordid shores of POF will get you a date, and if you aren't that picky about things like criminal records or employment history, probably a significant other in the time it takes to hit the drive-thru. The fried chicken will probably be the first food your date has seen in a few days, and the slaw will help with the scurvy. But don't forget to order an extra side of gravy because KFC never gives you enough, and nothing will impress your date more than you having the extra $1.59. And the fact that you have a car.
2. If you met your date on AdultFriendFinder.com: A box of Swedish fish, a handful of Vicodin and a pack of Marlboro Lights. If you've found yourself a date from AFF, then eating a full-on meal is only going to slow you down, and you will need every bit of your energy for a long night of rope-tying, leather-wearing and other activities in which a battery charger might be involved. Your appetizer of Vicodin will kill the sting of rope/carpet burns, you'll need the candy because low blood-sugar is no joke, and the smokes will be for after you put your date in a cab going the opposite direction of where you live.
1. If you met your date on Craigslist: Whiskey and soup. Craigslist dating is complicated, so your meal preparation for the date shouldn't be. Open up a can of Campbell's and that warm, dusty handle of Jack Daniel's that you got for your birthday, and spend a nourishing night pretending to like Insane Clown Posse and tie-dyed tapestries in lieu of curtains. After the soup is gone and the booze is just getting started, the best part of the evening will be where you get to compare garage tats and show each other the safety pins you pierced your nipples with.
Happy Valentine's Day.
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